I love the idea of going to therapy. The thought of venting to an unbiased third party that can’t get mad at you or run away from you. Someone who is supposed to actually care about your wellbeing and give you advice through a hard time or help you deal with your past. Someone you’re supposed to be able to trust.
So why can’t I bring myself to go?
I’ve seen a handful of therapists in my lifetime. Some due to a court order when I was a child and some willingly as an adult. I’ve told my story several times and have received the “I’m so sorry you went through that” and the “Look how far you’ve come” in response. They were all nice people but none of them were able to help me.
Truth is I hate telling my story. Reliving the past that haunts me is depressing and no matter how much I explain it unless you’ve lived it you don’t know. I don’t want to hear that you’re sorry and I certainly don’t want your sympathy. What I want is to change the past and seeing a therapist can’t do that for me. It can’t change people. It can’t time travel and let me rewrite history. It can’t make people that should care about you, care about you.
I can’t imagine being a therapist. Listening to people’s problems all day while battling your own. We all have demons, therapists aren’t exempt. So how do they stay so strong? Do therapists see therapists? Is being a therapist a sustainable career?
I started this blog because seeing a therapist wasn’t working for me. Writing has always been a form of therapy for me. I haven’t written as much in the past year because there is so much going on that is causing me intense anxiety and depression and I just can’t bring myself to talk about it. I don’t want to feel feelings. I don’t want to relive what happened. I have so much to say but I’m exhausted. I’ve been keeping busy in an attempt to distract myself from…myself and haven’t had the time to write.
So I’m going to keep pushing through. When I’m ready to face my feelings I’ll return here for therapy. 💛
The Path to Serenity 