“SAD”

I’m really depressed. I feel numb. Fatigued. On the verge of tears. Exhausted. I don’t know what to say and don’t want to talk about it. Emotionless. 

I spent all night last night having anxiety attacks staring at the clock. Finally around 5am I got out of bed and worked out for an hour, hoping to release some of the adrenaline. It didn’t help. I was just sore and anxious after.

My sister got baptized this morning. I’m not a religious person so going to church is uncomfortable for me, seeing as how I don’t know any of the songs, prayers, etc. I’m also am introvert so the small talk is torture. I know how much it meant to my sister that I be there so I went with my husband. As if that situation didn’t cause me enough anxiety, my Dad also went. My Dad and I do not have a good relationship and I had no idea how he would act towards my husband and I. I figured that he would be cordial since we were in a church celebrating my sister. Wrong. 

He acted as though we were invisible, blatently ignoring us. While he wouldn’t make eye contact with me, he disregarded my husband very rudely. Suddenly I became overrun with emotion and ran out of the church hoping no one would see me cry. After a few minutes I pulled myself back together and went inside. We didn’t sit with the rest of the family. We also didn’t attend the cookout afterwards since my Dad was going to be there and I didn’t want to risk conflict and ruin my sisters day.

I don’t even know why my Dad is mad at me anymore. Why he doesn’t want me in his life. This is the first time he’s rejected me in public. Normally he cares about perception – God forbid people know how messed up our relationship is. God forbid he is seen as the bad guy. But not this time. Usually he pretends to not be an asshole in front of people so that I look like the ass. Not this time. I don’t know why I got so emotional, I’m used to this. Just not in public. This felt like he finally threw in the towel with me. Chose to write me off permanently and wanted to make it known. 

From the time I was 14 I’ve been going through this with him. People say to me “he’s an asshole don’t let him get to you”, “he doesn’t deserve to have you in his life”, “don’t let him get you down”. I wish it was that easy, but I do care. He’s my Father. He has messed up a lot, but he’s my parent. I’m supposed to be able to call him when I have a bad day. I’m supposed to know that he will have my back when I fall. Care about my life. Be there for me when I need him. Love me unconditionally. But he doesn’t. I haven’t had a Father since I was 14 years old and it looks like I’ll never have one. That’s a hard pill to swallow. 

It’s also Sunday. The day where anxiety and depression take over every single week. I dread going to work on Mondays. I need a new job. πŸ˜”

Current events also make me depressed and anxious. North Korean threats to the USA and white supremacy rallies. I hope people realize that these white supremacy groups do not represent all white people. I’m so disappointed in humanity lately. 

I’m going to bed. 😞

Split families got me like…

Warning: This is going to be a complete vent session. 

I come from a split family. My parents got divorced when I was 5 years old. I grew up with parents that had so much resentment for eachother that co-parenting was out of the question. My childhood was a legit hot mess. 

My Dad did some “dating” (or hooking up, whatever term you’re into) and after several women found my step mom. They’ve been together probably 20 years or so. My Mom ended ended up marrying the first guy she dated post divorce, and they’ve been together for 25 years. 

My Step Dad had no children of his own. My Step Mom had 2 from a previous marriage. I spent my childhood living about half with my Dad and half with my Mom. I became close to my step siblings. When I was 14 I decided I wanted to live with my Mom permanently and that’s when my relationship with my Dad crumbled. Unfortunately that meant distance from my Step Mom and siblings as well.

Fast forward about 10 years and my Dad and I attempt a relationship again. Over those 10 years we spoke sporadically, usually when my Dad drank a few too many cocktails and grew what I like to call “beer balls” (yes I know his booze of choice isn’t beer, but Bacardi and you get the point). Needless to say those sporadic conversations didn’t end well (they were the reason I left to begin with). 

My Dad and I eventually talked, I told him how I felt about everything I had been through as a child and how much pain I still carried with me. He told me how he felt and we decided to attempt to put that all behind us and start over despite the fact that we didn’t agree on anything. I gave this relationship an honest effort. Made sure I reached out from time to time, drove an hour to see him (he wouldn’t come to my house) and played nice even though almost everything that comes out of his mouth I don’t agree with. We are totally different people.

Fast forward to a few years ago when my husband and I were having marital issues and he threw some house renovations that he did for us in my face (we paid him, FYI). Although I was hurt and angry, I decided to make another attempt at a relationship with him. We pretty much repeated what I indicated in the last paragraph. I drove to see him on holidays and for cookouts. Actually, it was more to see my siblings. I really enjoy spending time with them and missed seeing them when my Dad and I were on the outs. 

Time goes by and it’s time for the 2016 election. Dad and I have completely different political views. We exchanged a few Facebook messages about what was going on. He seemed to love talking to me about politics – I couldn’t figure out if it was the debate he enjoyed or just the fact that we always had awkward conversation until then when we spoke like 2 friends talking about politics. Needless to say, when Trump won the election I was devastated. For multiple reasons that I won’t get into now. Suddenly those disrespectful Hillary memes weren’t so funny anymore. We began talking less and less and finally he blocked me on Facebook. I unfriended him – no need for him to see what’s going on in my life if he doesn’t even want a relationship with me. And now we haven’t spoke in months.

A few days ago my sister told me that she is getting baptized in 2 weeks. She recently went on a spiritual journey if you will and although I found it odd I always support her as long as what she’s doing isn’t harming her in any way. My Dad on the other hand has not been very supportive of her. To my surprise, she told him about the baptism and he said he is going to go with my step mom. Great. 

I’m happy that he is going to support my sister. He also knows that I always support her and I will be there. I wonder if he is dreading seeing me and much as I am dreading seeing him? I wonder if he feels the elephant in the room like I do. I wonder if he thinks this is a good opportunity to talk to me (it’s not). I wonder if he likes seeing me full of angst and uncomfortable. I know him being there will mean a lot to my sister and I guess that’s all that matters.

Since I haven’t seen my siblings in months, we thought it would be nice to get everyone together for a cook out. My sister and I talked about it and decided it would be “kids only”. Well today I’m told it’s going to be at my step brothers house right after my sisters baptism. Where my Dad will be. Great. I want to spend time with my siblings so bad but the anxiety that comes along with dealing with my Dad is too great of a burden to bare right now. I know my Dad will want to take my sibs out to eat after my sisters baptism and I know my step brother will invite him back to their house because he will feel guilty. 

This all may sound really petty, but I just don’t have the energy anymore. I’ve tried to have a relationship with my Dad. I’ve put myself in so many uncomfortable positions to spend time with my family. I’ve cried so many tears thinking about the past. There is literally no more gas in my tank when it comes to dealing with this.

I would love to see my siblings but I can’t do it at the expense of my mental health anymore. Call me selfish but this is not ok with me. I am not ok. 

I step out of my comfort zone all the time to live life like a somewhat normal person despite the fact I struggle with GAD. Having GAD is something that I can’t change. I’ve always had it. But I can control my environment and it’s time that I control the things that I CAN control. 

That said, no, I do not want to come to your cookout if my Dad will be there. Yes, I miss my siblings. Yes, I wish I had a relationship with my Dad so it wasn’t awkward for all of us but this is just the way it is. I’ve tried. I’ve spent the last 10 years of my adult life trying. I’ve come to terms with what is. 

I will go to my sister’s baptism. I will be polite and be the bigger person when I see my Dad for the first time in a year. I will not put myself in an uncomfortable position with him any longer than I have to.  Been there, done that. 

🎈

Siiiggghhhh….

“Wash your hands”, “did you touch that?”, “here use this hand sanitizer”. What is life like when you’re married and you have generalized anxiety disorder and OCD? Horrible.

My husband gets frustrated. I get it, I do too. I would too if I was living with someone paranoid; directing me to wash my hands after touching certain door handles (although they’ve already been sanitized), touching my wallet or my phone (also already sanitized). 

I was a child that grew up outside playing in the mud. Showering was done but not because I necessarily wanted to. Touching everything. Eating everything. Not thinking about germs. I’ve always struggled with generalized anxiety disorder but not OCD. Until about 4 years ago. Every time I left the house and came back or touched the door handles going into the house I’d have to wash my hands. I’d always wash my hands before cooking which was normal for me but back then I could do it and then touch the tv remote, my phone etc. As time progressed I started over analyzing the things I touched after I washed my hands and determining that those needed to be sanitized. Now I find myself sanitizing my car at the end of every week after getting gas. Door handles in the house that are used when we go in and out. Faucets. Phones. Coffee cups that come in from the outside. Remote controls. The garage door opener/closer. Even the recliner handles.

How did it get to this point? I used to never even think about this stuff. What is wrong with me? I have a theory. 

I think sanitizing is an outlet for my anxiety. What I mean by that is I used to get debilitating panic attacks for years. I still get them now and then but as my OCD routines have gotten worse my panic attacks have gotten better. The generalized anxiety is always there but the full blown take me to the ER panic attacks have subsided. Is this a possible? I have no idea – but the coincidence is odd. 

The OCD makes it challenging to live. Leaving the house is a chore knowing that I have to come home and do my routine every time I do. Spending the night at other places besides my home (hotel rooms, relative’s houses, etc.) is horrifying. Airplanes make me want to gag. I love traveling, but this makes it so much harder. I stock up on hand sanitizer and use it constantly while flying. I’m probably a few flights away from bringing wipes and sanitizing the area that we sit in (I already bring them for hotel rooms we stay in).

My husband has become very understanding and supportive of me having GAD over the years; mostly thanks to therapy. But he has a hard time with the OCD. I can’t say I blame him. I’m not sure I could be married to someone like this if I was on the other side. “Just stop doing it – what’s so hard about that?!” Dude – you have no idea. Funny thing is he acts like I like living this way. I feel like I’m trapped in a mind telling me to do things that I cannot control. Telling me we’re going to get violently ill if I don’t sanitize. Giving me horrible anxiety until I go through my routines. Not the life I want to live either. 

So where do we go from here? The OCD gets progressively worse as time goes on. Would I trade it for the panic attacks I used to get? If I don’t sanitize it will give me panic attacks. What’s worse? 

If you don’t suffer with any of these mental illnesses I can only imagine what you’re thinking: this chick is crazy. But hear me out. I have a college degree. A full time job that pays well. I own a home. I have pets. A husband. I pay taxes. I’m fortunate to be able to contribute to society in some way. If you look at me on the outside you may never know how bad I’m struggling inside. Most people that find out I struggle with this look at me wide eyed; saying they could never tell. I walk amongst everyone else with a smile although inside I feel like I’m being gutted. I’ve learned to live with this and it hasn’t been easy. You never know what someone is going through. 

As for my husband, I feel so much guilt. We’ve been married 5 years; together 12. My mental illness has progressed steadily over those 12 years, mostly since we’ve been married. Is it fair for us to be together? For him to have to put up with my antics. This isn’t what he signed up for – or is it? If it were him how would I react? There are so many things going through my mind right now. He’s started to give me a hard time about it and is borderline becoming unsupportive. “In 10 years you won’t be able to work or leave the house at this rate”. Maybe he’s right. My heart breaks every time I’m forced to think about the reality of the situation. This sucks. Anyone else going through this and if so, how do you cope?

They say, “time heals everything”, but I’m still waiting…

Exhaustion. Fatigue. The result of prolonged anxiety. I’ve definitely been in a rut since returning from Hawaii. Work has been busy, now that Spring is here my yard is in need of an overhaul and Hallmark holidays are coming up that I dread. One in particular – Father’s Day. 

A reminder of my non-existent relationship with my Father. A reminder of the resentment I hold. A reminder of how much I wish things could be different. Usually for these holidays we spend time with my in-laws since my Mom and Step Dad live out of town. Lately spending time with anyone but my Husband or leaving the house in general is a real drag. Perhaps another sign that I need to make some changes in my life.

Other things on my mind: my cat still has a growth on her head, need to call the vet tomorrow. Feeling guilty for asking to work remote tomorrow despite the fact my boss(s) said it was ok. Stressed about the volume of work that I need to do. Need to finish removing shrubs from my gardens. Need to pick out new shrubs and order mulch. I understand a lot of this is “first world problems” or to some people not really problems at all but when you have generalized anxiety disorder all of these “to-dos” are overwhelming. I also really need to lose weight and stop eating my feelings. 

I’ve been thinking about writing a novel. I like to write – it distracts me from my self and is a good outlet for me creatively. After weeks of thinking about the storyline of my book I had a dream Saturday night that wrote my book for me. I tend to like twisted books and movies and always pictured myself writing a twisted novel or a self help book for others struggling with my mental disorders. Looks like someone else made the decision for me. Now to find time to write…

Hope everyone has a great week! 

Sunday Blues

Sunday nights. Where anxiety takes over. Physically, I feel like crap. Mentally, I’m preparing for a crazy week at work. New management is making my work life difficult at the moment. A blizzard is on its way. 3 weeks until we leave for Hawaii. A normal person would be excited. All I can think about is what may go wrong. I feel like I have a cold, again. Daylight savings time kicked in and we lost an hour today. 

I’m trying really hard to be positive. On a positive note I went shopping at the outlet mall and went to Target at 1pm on a Saturday. You’re probably thinking – so what? For me that’s huge. I’ve avoided going out in public during peak times for years. I also went to Lowes and BJs today during peak time. Whhhaaaaatttt! 

Anyway, essential oils are helping me sleep better. Lavender, peppermint and lemongrass are my go to for the diffuser. If I’m having extra bad insomnia frankincense knocks me out but I feel kind of hung over them next day. 

I’m debating writing a book of poetry. Does anyone even read poetry anymore? I find writing so calming and I love poems. Maybe a novel would be better? πŸ€”

Time to give hubby a haircut. Sorry this post is so random.

Have a great week. πŸ™ƒ

Welp, it had finally happened.

I’ve spent the past 6 years of my career successfully avoiding any continuing education opportunities that involve traveling. Until yesterday, when the CCO asked me if I would be interested in going to a conference in NYC. I couldn’t say no. 

Good news is that I have convinced my husband to come with me and we are driving not flying. More good news is that the conference itself is only half of a day – most are a few days. If I was going to go to any this would be ideal. 

I’m excited and so nervous. This particular conference is a smaller one (about 200) and it seems to be more of an exclusive event so I’ll really be representing the company that I work for. I hope it goes by fast and nobody talks to me. Better yet, I hope I can hide my anxiety long enough to get through it. HA. I have 3 weeks to mentally prepare. 

I’m feeling really overwhelmed lately. The holidays are not my favorite. Especially during times of family feud and political disagreements. I just don’t have the energy. I feel like I don’t have the energy for anything anymore…

If I could get more than 4 hours of sleep that would be great. Anxiety kicks my ass.

Is it breakfast time yet? 🐽😁

Head up, stay strong, fake a smile, move on…

Literally everything gives me anxiety. Thoughts, actions, nothing at all. It’s almost always present.

Busy weekends make for rough weeks for me. The things I have going on are things that probably wouldn’t make most people anxious. In fact, one of the things I’m doing most people look forward to because it relaxes them. 

The weekend started with helping my Sister move a few yards of top soil on Friday night after work. Let’s say I’m really out of shape and my entire body is still sore today. Saturday I cleaned my house, weeded my gardens, went to my Sister’s to see her horses, got my oil changed, came home and did laundry, went grocery shopping, and started to gut our master bathroom for remodeling. This morning consisted of waking up, meal prepping for the week (trying to lose a few lbs…!) and continuing to gut the master bathroom. 6 hours later, I’m taking a break to blog, getting something to drink and trying to stay upright (it’s 90 degrees outside). I’m exhausted.

Going to work everyday makes me extremely anxious. I sit at my desk and try to push through panic attacks while trying to maintain a somewhat normal faΓ§ade. So Sunday nights are usually really hard for me as I dread that and it drains the life out of me everyday. You may recall in a previous post of mine that I had a bad panic attack while getting my hair done about 2 months ago. As a result, I’m now petrified of that happening again, especially because it was so obvious that my hair dresser asked me if I was ok and I ended up running out with wet hair. I’ve since told her that I suffered with anxiety and, to my surprise, she offered to do my hair in a private room in the salon. How lucky did I get that my salon has a private room? Even though this should make going a little easier (if I freak out at least it’s only in front of her and not the entire salon), I’m still so anxious about it. To top it off it’s on Thursday, so I have 4 more days of anticipation. As I type this I can’t help but feel completely ridiculous. This illness is horrible.

I also  have various meetings this week at work that I’m going to have to sit through that are going to test my strength as I fight through panic, trying to hide what is really happening. This coming weekend is a long weekend (thank god), but it’s going to be a busy one. Family will be in town and the master bathroom project will continue. This part of my family knows about my anxiety (well, some of them) but they don’t get it. I told my Dad that I had Generalized Anxiety Disorder and just last weekend he asked me “How’s the anxiety? Better? You need to just take a deep breath and calm down, life is good”. I just smiled and thought to myself “you have no idea…”. And It’s true. People who don’t have an anxiety disorder have no idea about the struggle. They have no idea what it’s like to have no control over your thoughts (or your body), and how frustrating that is. If only I knew what triggered this. If only there was something that I could do (besides quit working and become an absolute hermit) that would make this better or better yet make it go away. But even if I did do that, I would still have anxiety. It’s a part of me.

In a nutshell, I’m already wishing away the upcoming week. Wishing away the long weekend. I look at it all as more obstacles that I have to somehow get through. In 2 weeks my Husband and I are going to Cape Cod for a long weekend. Staying at a nice bed and breakfast with no plans. We’re driving there so I don’t have to fly. I’m even anxious about that. I miss the days where I could actually genuinely enjoy things without zero worry.

Welp, it’s time for me to get back to work. 😩. I’ll leave you with a picture that makes me happy, and envious (it’s 90 degrees in my house and I want his life). Oh, and also a picture of the progress we have made so far! Until next time…πŸ™