When people treat you like they don’t care, believe them.

Wow, I haven’t written since June. Not because I haven’t had anything to write about, but I’ve just been exhausted from dealing with life. Have you ever felt that way? So much going on you just don’t want to think about it, let alone write about it? Well today I think I’m ready to write.

Let’s start with work because what’s going on with my family is going to be more painful to write about.

Management decided that I was ready for a new opportunity and hired 4 people to do the work that I have been doing single handedly for 2 years. For 2 years I’ve been stressed, working way more than 40 hours, pretty much doing whatever I needed to do to meet/exceed expectations and get the job done in a quality manner. I’ve been available to my company on vacations. I’ve kept a program running. By myself. I never received any help. My job through the end of the year is to train this staff of 4 (including the new manager) on what I do. Starting in January my responsibilities change. What will they be? Your guess is as good as mine. Yea…nerve wracking. I’m not being let go but they are still trying to figure out what my new role will be. So far it sounds like I’ll be forced to take on all of these random tasks that no one else wants to do. Cool. 😣

Now for family. This is hard. In order to not be a sad sack everyday I push these thoughts to the back of my mind because it’s so depressing.

About a year ago I took an ancestry DNA test. My husband and I thought it would be cool to know our heritages and were thinking of planning a trip to Europe. That was our sole reasoning for taking these tests.

A few months ago on a Saturday night my husband and I were watching a movie when I started getting emails from Ancestry. A woman reached out to me to see how we were related. We shared half of our DNA. My stomach sank. Her name didn’t sound familiar. I knew none of her relatives. She then asks what my Father’s name is. I told her. She then went silent for about 30 minutes. I figured maybe she didn’t know him and I went on with my life.

She then messaged me saying that she thinks he is her Father too. Her Mother had slept with him once 36 years ago. I was shocked but then again I wasn’t (knowing my Dad). We proceeded to message each other the rest of the night.

If you read my blog then you know that I do not have a relationship with my Dad. I didn’t think it was my place to tell him about this daughter. She now had his name and she could message him on Facebook if she wanted to. But it was such a big secret. I went back and forth about whether or not I should tell my sister. She’s very close with my Dad and is extremely protective of him.

I waited 24 hours and then told her. I had to. Initially my sister was annoyed that I took the Ancestry test, was worried about how our Dad would feel about it and she was skeptical about what this new half sister would want from him. Then she was upset at me for putting her in a position to tell our Dad and decided she wasn’t going to say anything. Our half sister had everything she needed to reach out should she want to – my sister had no obligation to tell our Dad and I didn’t tell her about it because I wanted her to tell him.

Well of course my sister told my Dad less than 24 hours after I told her. My Father remembered the rendezvous with her Mother and said it was possible. Suddenly my sister’s tune changed and she and my Dad decided to take Ancestry DNA tests as well.

My Dad met his new daughter and decided to set up a meet and greet with her at a park for his family. I didn’t say a word to our half sister about my relationship with my Dad because I didn’t want to skew her feelings and wanted her to form her own opinions.

A year ago I ran into my Father at an event and he walked right past me when I went to acknowledge him like I was invisible. Despite that, he sent me an invitation to the park to meet his new daughter. The tone of his email was cold and he made it clear this meeting wasn’t about him and I, it was about his new daughter, Jackie. I decided not to attend as the email itself was a punch to the chest (he cares to have a relationship with her but not me) and I wasn’t sure I would be able to set my feelings aside.

My sister, myself and Jackie had a group text going at this point. Jackie had asked a question and I felt that my sister’s response seemed a little territorial over her family (I say her family because I don’t have relationships with them). I sent my sister a text on the side and mentioned it and that was when she lost it on me. She told me I’m negative, I bring her down, I add no value to her life and she resents me for a decision I made to better my life when I was 14 (she was supposed to come with me but decided to stay living with my Dad). Apparently after I left her life was hell. This hurt me deeply because that is the exact reason my Dad and I don’t have a relationship. He is still upset that I moved back with my Mom when I was 14. I decided to tell my sister how I felt and we haven’t spoke since, besides a text that she sent me saying she hopes I reconsider not going to the park to meet Jackie because “we should be there for our sister”. How about you be there for the sister you’ve had for 28 years, no?

I’m currently 31 years old. These people are stuck in the past and still resent me over something that happened 17 years ago. A decision I made 17 years ago to better our lives (my sisters included). I never meant anyone any harm and I can’t change the past (nor would I in the case of that decision). I just don’t have the energy anymore to talk about these things and as long as they resent me we will never be able to have a comfortable relationship.

That said, my sister essentially asked me to be the maid of honor in her wedding prior to all of this happening. Growing up, there was no question that I was going to be her maid of honor. Since we were kids, I’ve thought about the bridal shower I would throw her and the maid of honor speech I would give. I never thought we would have a falling out like this where we wouldn’t be speaking. We’ve been pretty close for years, particularly the last 12ish years when my husband and I have been there for her more than anyone else. I would do anything for her, despite the way she treats me.

Needless to say, a couple of weeks ago my Mom broke it to me that she’s asked her friend to be her maid of honor. This past week I heard that my husband and I weren’t invited to her wedding. It crushed me. Then again if she hates me as much as she told me she does and thinks I’m an awful person, I wouldn’t want her to be fake and invite me. I guess I just never thought our relationship would come to this.

I ended up meeting Jackie at a coffee shop a few weeks after she met the family at the park. We talked for about 4 hours. It was hard to look at her – every time I did I saw my Dad. They have the same eyes. It kind of broke my heart (further). She told me that my Dad and her had already had a falling out. I was sad to hear that but at the same time I felt as though my feelings were validated – I know I’m not crazy for feeling the way I do and it was refreshing to hear another child of his feel this way about him since my sister defends him constantly and acts like the way that he acts is ok and justified. It’s not.

You never know when life is going to throw you a curveball. Through all of this; despite what anyone says about me, I know who I am. I have no regrets. It’s time for me to take care of me now.

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Generation gaps are painful.

My Grandma is awesome. She’s been there for me my entire life, never forgets a birthday and we have a special bond. She lives in Florida now and I’m in New York so unfortunately we don’t see each other often. My Grandpa was a hard working family man who passed away about 5 years ago so my Grandma lives alone in their retirement community. I grew up idolizing my Grandparent’s marriage and relationship. My Grandpa suffered from debilitating anxiety, went through a rough time around 50 years old and retired early. He spent his entire life busting his ass at work so that his wife could stay home and raise their 3 children comfortably. He worked so hard that when his anxiety was too much to bare at 50 years old he retired early and my Grandma continues to live off of his earnings today (she’s 82 years old).

My husband and I just returned from Florida where we stayed with my Grandma for a week. I’m glad that I got to see my Grandma. We’ve always been close and every time after I see her now I think that it could be the last time. However, despite the fact that I know she’s a good person she said some things this past week that just hasn’t sat well with my husband or I. The only explanation I have for it is our generational gap. Let me explain.

This little old lady is nice to your face no matter who you are. It’s what she says behind closed doors that you would find appalling.

What I heard this week was racist. Hateful. Ungrateful. Without empathy. Towards all types of ethnicities. Sexual orientation. Gender.

People who know me know that I’m passionate about gender equality. That I judge people buy their actions and not what they look like. That I have a whole lot of empathy for those who are underprivileged. I’m not like this because of the way I was raised because I was raised by people who do not necessarily have these same values. I think I’m like this because of my generation. I’m a millennial who has grown up in an equality movement. My Grandma grew up when segregation was still a thing and you lived your life according to the Bible. You stayed at home and raised babies and made dinner instead of having a job or having a career.

Here are a few of the things that went horribly wrong this past week:

1. Grandma commented on every female’s appearance. “She’s hideous”, “she’s fat”. How about we judge people based on what’s on the inside, no?

2. Grandma insulted a gay couple that lives next door to her. She thinks they are bad people because they are gay. “I wonder what they do over there all day? Probably pile on top of each other – gross!”, “He likes men and that’s wrong”, “I bet they’re drug addicts and he picks up men at the gay bar”. My mother in law is gay. My poor husband listened to these insults all week and maintained composure until the end. A saint.

3. My Grandma blatantly does not like minorities. She says derogatory terms like “colored person”, tells me she doesn’t like Mexicans and says that if any of the women in my family ended up with a minority we would have been disowned. How awful is this thought process? My cousin married a Mexican woman and she’s lovely. She probably doesn’t know a minority personally. Ignorant.

4. My Grandma and I were watching the news one morning when she said “there are too many women reporting the news. This is a mans job. I like to get my news from a man behind the desk.” WHAT?! All of these things are horrendous. This one impacted me personally as a female who has a career and works hard to break that glass ceiling.

5. My Grandma never talked down on my Grandpa for having a mental illness until he passed away. Now she’s saying he was awful to deal with and she had to be his therapist for years and she’s happy he’s no longer with us. My Grandpa had awful anxiety. He treated my Grandma like a queen. Always. She had the best life because of him and he was always there for her when she needed him. When he needed her she was there, but resents him for it. Heart breaking.

6. My Grandma’s cousin married a man who lived a double life. He had 2 wives and had families with both. When her cousin found out she was horrified but stayed with him despite knowing he was involved in and supporting another family. Grandma said she had to stay and men just do what they want. My Mother was subjected to domestic violence by my Father. Despite that, my Grandma told her to stay with him. My Dad was beating the shit out of her daughter and she told her to stay with him. What??

7. I struggle with anxiety as well. My Grandma told my husband that he needs to beware of what is to come with me (thinking that I’ll follow in my Grandpa’s footsteps), telling him that I’m not confident. That I’m “mental”. Will be an “invalid”. My husband is my biggest fan and naturally came to my defense. That resulted in a heated exchange after which my Grandma told me that she thinks he’s “negative” and a “know it all”. That is not the case at all. No one knows how hard I fight.

People change with age. Experiences. Time. Truth is, that woman I grew up idolizing has always been this way. She’s just old now and doesn’t care about who she hurts or how she makes others feel.

I love my Grandma. But I’m disappointed in her lack of empathy and ignorance. I know there is nothing that you can do to make a 82 year old woman change her thought process. My husband tried.

What is interesting is that my Mom’s thought processes are between my Grandma’s and my own. I can only hope that the next generation continues to move in the right direction.

Love is love. We all bleed red. None of us are superior. It’s what’s on the inside that counts. Equal work equal pay.

True love has a habit of coming back.

Relationships are tough. Especially when you have anxiety. My anxiety manifests itself in different ways. Sometimes it impacts me physically and other times my mood sours. I get short and temperamental not because I’m mad at you but because my mind is racing and I’m feeling awful physically and you just happened to be at the wrong place at the wrong time.

Add that behavior to months of not telling your spouse how you really feel about a few things and you get a disaster. Let’s just say today I didn’t bite my tongue and what I should’ve said to him in a productive manner didn’t come out as planned. I also said what I needed to say with intent to hurt since I had been hurting for a while now. Two wrongs don’t make a right.

So after a day of dealing with me he tells me he’s leaving the house for a little bit. I don’t blame him, I wouldn’t want to be on the receiving end of what I was dishing today.

I’m very self aware and self-less, and I need to come to terms with the fact that not everyone is like that. I’ve been with my husband since we were 17 years old. We have both changed so much over the past 13 years. We’ve both taken each other for granted in different ways. Our love language is different. We think differently. We ARE different. Period.

My intent is never to hurt. But sometimes the truth hurts and you have to be honest with yourself and your partner when something isn’t right. Years ago we went to marriage counseling and learned how to communicate effectively. It changed our marriage for the better. It’s funny how over time you forget the lessons you’ve learned and find yourself slipping back into your old ways.

I think we argue about the same things all couples argue about. Relationships are a series of hills and valleys, but one thing I know for sure: even though I’ve hated him all day when he left the house I missed him. I missed him so much my chest physically hurt. And that tells me everything I need to know. πŸ’›

Be in love with your life. Every minute of it.

I have so many thoughts today. What I’m about to write will be really random (and just a few of them). I just feel like I need to get some stuff off my chest. After all, this is pretty much my online diary.

Thought #1: For most of my life I’ve felt alone. Alone in the sense that I don’t share or agree with the same beliefs, ideals and actions of most of those closest to me. One thing that I think we can all agree on is the fact that we’re all really passionate. This often results in conflict, distance or the “elephant in the room” effect where being together is just awkward. We are all pretty different; the only thing uniting us is blood and/or marriage. I think we can agree that we all care about and love each other to some extent. But that love isn’t enough to unite us. Instead we remain divided and some choose to take sides. This makes me really sad. It also triggers some self reflection. Here’s what I know:

  • I am selfless. There have been so many situations in my life where I’ve been able to set aside hurt feelings and differences for the greater good of something or someone else. Even if it results in further heartache for me. There isn’t much I wouldn’t do for the people I love, whether they realize it or not.
  • I’ve always been the bigger person. Sometimes this is exhausting. Apologizing even when you know you’re right. Reaching out to end an awkward silence. Struggling to stay silent on a controversial topic with a loved one because you value the relationship more than trying to convince them that they’re wrong. Supporting someone’s beliefs even if they differ from your own.
  • I always come from a good place. Sometimes I don’t tell you what you want to hear, but what I think you need to hear because I care about you and I think you may be headed down a wrong path. Typically my delivery gets me in trouble (I tend to be kind of blunt). I never say or do anything with the intent of hurting anyone’s feelings. I only say to others what I would hope they would say to me if necessary. I value honesty and facts.
  • I have a lot of empathy. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t let the same people hurt me over and over because I wouldn’t feel bad for them. However, we are all responsible for ourselves and our actions. Empathy is not always reciprocated (in my case, rarely). There comes a time when you have to come to terms with the way people are and protect yourself; despite understanding why they may be the way they are. We are all the way we are due to circumstance but we all can choose to be the people we want to be. I’m living proof of that.

Thought #2: My (new) boss of 8 months just tendered his resignation. Although he’s been my boss, I’ve been doing his job for the past year and a half at a pay grade 2 levels lower than him. He quit because he couldn’t handle the stress and demands of the job. Even though I was doing his job prior to him starting at my company, I wasn’t considered for the position due to “lack of experience” also known as age. Despite the fact that during my performance reviews I’ve always exceeded expectations (which I should be, seeing as how I’m a grade 11 doing a grade 13 job). The man they hired to do the job had 30 years of experience opposed to my 10, and he failed to meet one deliverable in 8 months. I’ve met all deliverables. So here is the dilemma: once they realized they hired a dud to do the job, they began to think that maybe I should’ve been given the opportunity. Now that he’s given his resignation, rumor has it I’ll be offered the job.

But not at a grade 13, a grade 12. Not 8 months ago, but now. Not before they hired a retirement aged man to do the job instead of 30 year old female me. This isn’t a job I love doing. It’s a job that allows me the ability to travel and live my life a certain way. So if I do get “promoted” to a 12, I’ll continue to do what I’ve been doing. But I’m extremely jaded. I’ll never forget what this company did to me. And I’ll continue to look for a new job.

Thought #3: I am stronger than my fears. For those of you that don’t know, I have generalized anxiety disorder. There are certain triggers that give me anxiety but I also generally have anxiety all the time for reasons I can’t explain. In terms of triggers, leaving the house and air planes give me a lot of anxiety. Despite that, I travel via air plane at least once a year and leave the house for days if not weeks at a time. I have a fear of public speaking and confrontation, and despite that I’m going to step out of my comfort zone and possibly take on more of that if I happen to get promoted as anticipated (because although I’m doing more than my current boss now, if I get promoted they’ll expect even more out of me). I do my best to not let my mental illness define me. Those of you who struggle know how hard that is. For those of you who don’t, try to have some empathy and just imagine.

Thought #4: I just got back from 5 days of vacation in the Bahamas. It was great to get away. Unfortunately, due to the anxiety described in thought #3 above, I stress ate while we were there and gained back 6 of the 8 lbs I lost before we left! It took me 2 months of eating healthy and hours of working out to lose 8 lbs and in 5 days and 4 nights I managed to gain 6 lbs back. Damn it!!!!!

Thought #5: The Walking Dead returns tonight and since I just returned from vacation and tomorrow is Monday, I need something to look forward to. Anything that distracts me from reality is great.

And those are some of my current thoughts. Overall my soul feels heavy today. But it’s 50 degrees out and the sun is trying to shine through the clouds. It’s up to me to try and make it a great day. β˜€οΈ

Perspective

This time of year is always pretty depressing for me. I currently don’t have a relationship with my Father or my Mother. My seasonal depression starts to kick in and I start stressing about those 10-15 lbs that I would like to lose by Spring. I start questioning my job and whether or not I’m really happy or content.

2 days ago I got into my first car accident. I got caught up at work and left an hour and a half later than I should have. I was side swiped at 60 mph on the thruway by a car full of men who didn’t speak English. After they hit me they tried to flee but traffic was backed up and when they realized there was nowhere that they could go they finally pulled over.

We were blocking the left lane of a 3 way highway during a high traffic time. I immediately went into panic mode and began to have a horrible anxiety attack. 3 of the men got out of the car and started circling my vehicle. The other tried to communicate with me but he knew no English and I didn’t know any Chinese. Once we stopped I called the police. The Officer was so good with me considering I was hyperventilating and convulsing uncontrollably. My glove box popped open when I was hit, it was dark and I couldn’t find my registration or insurance card. When I finally did find the documents I was shaking so bad I dropped them several times. The Officer was so patient and kind to me. After talking with us both (or attempting to talk with them) he indicated that it was clear by the damage that the accident was the other driver’s fault. He wrote them a ticket, gave me the accident report and we all were able to drive away at that point.

Perspective. This accident could have been A LOT worse. I may not have parents that I can call when things in my life go array, but I have a loving supportive husband that I got to come home to who comforted me as I continued to convulse for 3 more hours after the accident. Who called the insurance company and is working with them to get my car fixed. Who is there for me through thick and thin.

Do I still need to lose those 10-15 lbs? Yes. Do I love my job? No, but it pays my bills and allows my husband and I to go on vacations. Am I truly happy? Well, yes. Although I struggle with anxiety and depression, I’m alive today and my life could be so much worse.

Sometimes when we are feeling low we get a wake up call and change our perspective. Sometimes when we have a mental illness we lose sight of that perspective quicker than others. But we continue to fight the good fight and look for the positive. We continue to keep our heads up. Life is a roller coaster and I’m along for the ride.

30

Welp, it happened. I turned 30. 

I feel like I did on the last day that I was 29. Nothing has changed. Besides my outlook on life, which changes every year.

The older I get the less I care about what others think of me. The less I feel bad about ridding toxic people from my life. The more I want to see the world. The more comfortable I get in my skin. The less I hesitate to speak my truth. The more I stand up for what I believe in. 

One thing that I know for sure is that life is short. These past 30 years went by really quick. We need to make them count. ❀️

“SAD”

I’m really depressed. I feel numb. Fatigued. On the verge of tears. Exhausted. I don’t know what to say and don’t want to talk about it. Emotionless. 

I spent all night last night having anxiety attacks staring at the clock. Finally around 5am I got out of bed and worked out for an hour, hoping to release some of the adrenaline. It didn’t help. I was just sore and anxious after.

My sister got baptized this morning. I’m not a religious person so going to church is uncomfortable for me, seeing as how I don’t know any of the songs, prayers, etc. I’m also am introvert so the small talk is torture. I know how much it meant to my sister that I be there so I went with my husband. As if that situation didn’t cause me enough anxiety, my Dad also went. My Dad and I do not have a good relationship and I had no idea how he would act towards my husband and I. I figured that he would be cordial since we were in a church celebrating my sister. Wrong. 

He acted as though we were invisible, blatently ignoring us. While he wouldn’t make eye contact with me, he disregarded my husband very rudely. Suddenly I became overrun with emotion and ran out of the church hoping no one would see me cry. After a few minutes I pulled myself back together and went inside. We didn’t sit with the rest of the family. We also didn’t attend the cookout afterwards since my Dad was going to be there and I didn’t want to risk conflict and ruin my sisters day.

I don’t even know why my Dad is mad at me anymore. Why he doesn’t want me in his life. This is the first time he’s rejected me in public. Normally he cares about perception – God forbid people know how messed up our relationship is. God forbid he is seen as the bad guy. But not this time. Usually he pretends to not be an asshole in front of people so that I look like the ass. Not this time. I don’t know why I got so emotional, I’m used to this. Just not in public. This felt like he finally threw in the towel with me. Chose to write me off permanently and wanted to make it known. 

From the time I was 14 I’ve been going through this with him. People say to me “he’s an asshole don’t let him get to you”, “he doesn’t deserve to have you in his life”, “don’t let him get you down”. I wish it was that easy, but I do care. He’s my Father. He has messed up a lot, but he’s my parent. I’m supposed to be able to call him when I have a bad day. I’m supposed to know that he will have my back when I fall. Care about my life. Be there for me when I need him. Love me unconditionally. But he doesn’t. I haven’t had a Father since I was 14 years old and it looks like I’ll never have one. That’s a hard pill to swallow. 

It’s also Sunday. The day where anxiety and depression take over every single week. I dread going to work on Mondays. I need a new job. πŸ˜”

Current events also make me depressed and anxious. North Korean threats to the USA and white supremacy rallies. I hope people realize that these white supremacy groups do not represent all white people. I’m so disappointed in humanity lately. 

I’m going to bed. 😞