They say, “time heals everything”, but I’m still waiting…

Exhaustion. Fatigue. The result of prolonged anxiety. I’ve definitely been in a rut since returning from Hawaii. Work has been busy, now that Spring is here my yard is in need of an overhaul and Hallmark holidays are coming up that I dread. One in particular – Father’s Day. 

A reminder of my non-existent relationship with my Father. A reminder of the resentment I hold. A reminder of how much I wish things could be different. Usually for these holidays we spend time with my in-laws since my Mom and Step Dad live out of town. Lately spending time with anyone but my Husband or leaving the house in general is a real drag. Perhaps another sign that I need to make some changes in my life.

Other things on my mind: my cat still has a growth on her head, need to call the vet tomorrow. Feeling guilty for asking to work remote tomorrow despite the fact my boss(s) said it was ok. Stressed about the volume of work that I need to do. Need to finish removing shrubs from my gardens. Need to pick out new shrubs and order mulch. I understand a lot of this is “first world problems” or to some people not really problems at all but when you have generalized anxiety disorder all of these “to-dos” are overwhelming. I also really need to lose weight and stop eating my feelings. 

I’ve been thinking about writing a novel. I like to write – it distracts me from my self and is a good outlet for me creatively. After weeks of thinking about the storyline of my book I had a dream Saturday night that wrote my book for me. I tend to like twisted books and movies and always pictured myself writing a twisted novel or a self help book for others struggling with my mental disorders. Looks like someone else made the decision for me. Now to find time to write…

Hope everyone has a great week! 

Self reflection.

Well, Hawaii was amazing as usual. Lots of hikes, volcano views, waterfalls, beaches and awesome weather. Celebrated 5 years of marriage to my husband and ate way too much. I also had some realizations. 

1. Vacations are necessary. Always. For someone who struggles with mental health issues, getting a break from the daily grind and going somewhere where I don’t have to worry about doing anything is the only thing that eases my mind a little. I find that I do less worrying and more reflecting and I think that’s important. 

2. Dreams are good to have but they need to be realistic. Since the first time I went to Hawaii in 2012 I’ve wanted to live there. I’ve applied for jobs there and we have gone back for vacations but the reality is that it’s an expensive place to live and I can’t move there without a job. That said, a realistic goal may be to retire there and continue to go on vacations there every few years. I just need to come to terms with that.

3. You are not a bad person if you let go of people that hurt your soul. This one is complicated. Let’s just say that I have a Father that doesn’t really want me in his life but pretends to others like he does thus making me look like the bad guy despite the fact that he never talks to me. I’ve tried for years to get his approval, his love, shit even his acknowledgement to no avail. I’ve spent a lot of time and tears dwelling on this relationship. One night while in Hawaii I found myself laying awake in bed, listening to the waves and reminiscing on the past and the present state of things with my Father. That was when I decided it was time to just let go. Breaks my heart but it is what it is and I’m walking away knowing that I gave an honest effort. 

4. Finding your passion and making it your job is a must. I’m dreading returning to my job as a compliance officer at a regional bank. I’m not passionate about being a compliance officer working in banking. I don’t look forward to going to work everyday; in fact, I dread it. I have so many anxious sleepless nights and moments of frustration during the work day that it consumes me. But what am I passionate about? Nothing that will allow me to make similar money and continue to live the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to. Good news is I make an honest living doing something I’m not ashamed of. Bad news is I have no sense of fullfilment. I hope one day it comes to me.

5. My body and mind has changed a lot in the past 5 years, and that is ok. We were married in Hawaii in 2012 and went back to he same resort we were married at for our anniversary. In 2012 my new hubby and I went out to dinner at a nice waterfront restaurant and the waiter took a picture of us. I thought it would be fun to take an identical picture at this restaurant 5 years later, until I saw the picture afterwards and compared them. What did I see? Well my husband is still very handsome. The scenery is still beautiful. But when I looked at myself I felt sad. In the 2012 picture I was thinner, had way less anxiety, looked more attractive and overall my happiness was visible in my face. 2017 me was heavier in the face, had bags under her eyes, looked exhausted, and although the happiness was still visible in my face at that time I lost my spark. After reflecting some more, I’ve been through a lot in the past 5 years. Too much to share in this posting. 2012 me was in her early 20s, still getting a grip on adulthood and making immature decisions (like running away to Hawaii and eloping with my boyfriend of 7 years when we had no money). 2017 me is established, responsible, and more mature. And I have the emotional scares to prove it. My mental state is different. I don’t look bad in the 2017 photo. It’s just who I am now. And In another 5 years I will look even more different. I need to be ok with that. 

6. Facing your fears is necessary, even when your anxiety tells you there is no way you can do something. Listen. I have GAD, OCD and depression. I live in a constant state of fear. Fear of flying, fear of driving, even fear of being at work. But in order to live I need to face those fears every single day. I’ve been to Hawaii 3 times now. I live in NY. It’s anywhere from a 12-14 hour flight not including layovers. For someone who hates flying, being in the air that long and having to take 3 flights to get somewhere is the worst. I drive myself absolutely crazy the entire month leading up to a trip where I have to fly. But no matter how much I hate it I push myself because if I didn’t I wouldn’t have the memories. The experiences. I wouldn’t be living. Honestly most of the time I surprise myself when I fly. Yes, I have panic attacks pretty much constantly but at the end I’m amazed by how strong I can be when I’m really determined. And for that, I am proud of myself.

Now I just need to adjust to being in the eastern time zone again and get the sleep I need to be productive on my first day back in the office on Monday. If only I could keep this anxiety at bay…😔.

Sunday Blues

Sunday nights. Where anxiety takes over. Physically, I feel like crap. Mentally, I’m preparing for a crazy week at work. New management is making my work life difficult at the moment. A blizzard is on its way. 3 weeks until we leave for Hawaii. A normal person would be excited. All I can think about is what may go wrong. I feel like I have a cold, again. Daylight savings time kicked in and we lost an hour today. 

I’m trying really hard to be positive. On a positive note I went shopping at the outlet mall and went to Target at 1pm on a Saturday. You’re probably thinking – so what? For me that’s huge. I’ve avoided going out in public during peak times for years. I also went to Lowes and BJs today during peak time. Whhhaaaaatttt! 

Anyway, essential oils are helping me sleep better. Lavender, peppermint and lemongrass are my go to for the diffuser. If I’m having extra bad insomnia frankincense knocks me out but I feel kind of hung over them next day. 

I’m debating writing a book of poetry. Does anyone even read poetry anymore? I find writing so calming and I love poems. Maybe a novel would be better? 🤔

Time to give hubby a haircut. Sorry this post is so random.

Have a great week. 🙃

Suspense

I’m paralyzed. Feeling bound and gagged. Blurry vision. Sweating. My heart is pumping fast, I’m gasping for air. “Am I having a heart attack?” My body feels tingly. All of my muscles are constricted. My eyes are wide and overstimulated. It’s taking everything I have to not to cry or scream. I’m being choked by something invisible. I want to surrender but I have no control over my mind or body. I can’t focus on anything in particular but my mind is racing. My body wants me to stay still but my brain wants me to fight. I’m feeling doomed and defeated, spiriling out of control. I would do anything to make it stop.

My breathing begins to slow. My heart beat is calming down. My body feels like it weighs 1000 lbs. My throat hurts.  I can’t form a coherent thought. I can’t keep my eyes open. My muscles begin to slowly un-tense, leaving behind knots that will undoubtedly give me a headache soon. I don’t want to be around anyone. I don’t want to talk to anyone. I just want to be alone.I’m completely exhausted and depleted of energy.

Alone I am, traumatized by what I just experienced. I hate when this happens. “Why me?!” I think to myself. “What caused this?!” – a question I never have an answer to. Most of the time it just happens. Knowing it can happen at anytime, I have altered my lifestyle. I don’t leave the house much. I don’t go anywhere without a plan. I avoid certain people and situations. I get lost in the depressing realization of my reality and get down on myself. I don’t deserve anything I have in life, even the things I work hard for. I’m not worthy of love in any form. I’m cheating my husband of a good life with a “normal” wife. I could go on. I obsess over everything. Even create problems when there are none.

These are feelings that I have almost daily. Sometimes provoked, oftentimes unprovoked. This is life with generalized anxiety disorder, depression and OCD. This life is hard. This life takes a lot of courage. This life takes a lot of strength. This life is exhausting.

 

 

Welp, it had finally happened.

I’ve spent the past 6 years of my career successfully avoiding any continuing education opportunities that involve traveling. Until yesterday, when the CCO asked me if I would be interested in going to a conference in NYC. I couldn’t say no. 

Good news is that I have convinced my husband to come with me and we are driving not flying. More good news is that the conference itself is only half of a day – most are a few days. If I was going to go to any this would be ideal. 

I’m excited and so nervous. This particular conference is a smaller one (about 200) and it seems to be more of an exclusive event so I’ll really be representing the company that I work for. I hope it goes by fast and nobody talks to me. Better yet, I hope I can hide my anxiety long enough to get through it. HA. I have 3 weeks to mentally prepare. 

I’m feeling really overwhelmed lately. The holidays are not my favorite. Especially during times of family feud and political disagreements. I just don’t have the energy. I feel like I don’t have the energy for anything anymore…

If I could get more than 4 hours of sleep that would be great. Anxiety kicks my ass.

Is it breakfast time yet? 🐽😁

Poetic thoughts.

Noise in the distance, people yelling;

pounding in my chest, this is telling.

She picks us up and takes us to the car;

It’s not long before we change who we are.

Are you happy, honey? Is this where you want to be?

Yes it is, but can I leave?

 

Days go by and things turn ugly;

she’s leaving again and the lights are acting funny.

He comes home late smelling like alcohol;

wonder if he remembers that he has kids at all?

Waking up at night, head pounding;

can’t take this anymore, feel like I’m drowning.

 

Breathe child, think about what you’re doing;

Can’t you see it’s a family that you’re ruining?

Tired, sweating, anxious and out of breath;

this is what I want, I have nothing left.

“You’re not old enough to make your own decision”;

tired of you telling me what to do, you don’t know my vision.

 

No longer thinking someone else’s thoughts;

who would have known I could be my own boss?

Alone and afraid with nothing to lose,

these kids are tough, but honey so are you.

Going through the motions and putting up walls;

getting tired of walking down these halls.

“Be strong you can do this”, I’d say to myself;

you control your own destiny, you don’t need any help.

 

I haven’t heard from you in months,

that must mean you’re not missing me that much.

“A parent has unconditional love for their child”,

practice what you preach and I may feel worthwhile.

She stayed and I left, does that make me bad?

The few times I talked to you, you always seemed mad.

 

It hurts so much but I’ve become numb from the pain,

I used to wish I could take out my brain.

Memories come late at night flooding back,

here comes that dreaded anxiety attack.

Heart pumping, mind numbing, shaky limbs and a sweaty back,

how long is this going to last?

 

Graduating from high school; such an accomplishment,

you’re weren’t there, but I don’t have any resentment.

Never heard from you that day or the next,

if you had a cell phone I’m not sure you would text.

 

Life has a funny way of working itself out,

a few years later the truth all comes out.

Now you know how I feel even though it was ugly,

I resent you for the childhood that you took from me.

The only thing that remains the same,

are those anxiety attacks that always came.


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Wanted: Inner Peace 

Right now in this moment I am deciding that I am not going to worry about anything. I’m not going to get anxious thinking about what I need to do this week. About work. About driving to work. About what my family members are doing. About the the construction going on in my house. About my weight and how I look in my clothes. About the dental work I need to have done later in the month. About how my new birth control is making me feel. About the few marks on my skin that are making me think I should see the dermatologist again. About my Mom visiting. 

Here’s the thing. Worrying about all of this stuff isn’t going to change any outcomes. I spend so much time worrying about everything that I never enjoy a moment. The fact that this is my reality makes me want to cry. I spend my Sunday’s sick to my stomach with worry and panic. I spend most days like this. We get one life – is this really how I’m spending it? I wish I had a choice. There is no choice when you have Generalized Anxiety Disorder, OCD, and Depression. 

I’ve had this for years and I still haven’t figured out how to live with it. I don’t think I ever will. But if I can figure out how to give myself a few moments of inner peace where I can make a conscious effort to shut my brain off, maybe I’ll learn.