“SAD”

I’m really depressed. I feel numb. Fatigued. On the verge of tears. Exhausted. I don’t know what to say and don’t want to talk about it. Emotionless. 

I spent all night last night having anxiety attacks staring at the clock. Finally around 5am I got out of bed and worked out for an hour, hoping to release some of the adrenaline. It didn’t help. I was just sore and anxious after.

My sister got baptized this morning. I’m not a religious person so going to church is uncomfortable for me, seeing as how I don’t know any of the songs, prayers, etc. I’m also am introvert so the small talk is torture. I know how much it meant to my sister that I be there so I went with my husband. As if that situation didn’t cause me enough anxiety, my Dad also went. My Dad and I do not have a good relationship and I had no idea how he would act towards my husband and I. I figured that he would be cordial since we were in a church celebrating my sister. Wrong. 

He acted as though we were invisible, blatently ignoring us. While he wouldn’t make eye contact with me, he disregarded my husband very rudely. Suddenly I became overrun with emotion and ran out of the church hoping no one would see me cry. After a few minutes I pulled myself back together and went inside. We didn’t sit with the rest of the family. We also didn’t attend the cookout afterwards since my Dad was going to be there and I didn’t want to risk conflict and ruin my sisters day.

I don’t even know why my Dad is mad at me anymore. Why he doesn’t want me in his life. This is the first time he’s rejected me in public. Normally he cares about perception – God forbid people know how messed up our relationship is. God forbid he is seen as the bad guy. But not this time. Usually he pretends to not be an asshole in front of people so that I look like the ass. Not this time. I don’t know why I got so emotional, I’m used to this. Just not in public. This felt like he finally threw in the towel with me. Chose to write me off permanently and wanted to make it known. 

From the time I was 14 I’ve been going through this with him. People say to me “he’s an asshole don’t let him get to you”, “he doesn’t deserve to have you in his life”, “don’t let him get you down”. I wish it was that easy, but I do care. He’s my Father. He has messed up a lot, but he’s my parent. I’m supposed to be able to call him when I have a bad day. I’m supposed to know that he will have my back when I fall. Care about my life. Be there for me when I need him. Love me unconditionally. But he doesn’t. I haven’t had a Father since I was 14 years old and it looks like I’ll never have one. That’s a hard pill to swallow. 

It’s also Sunday. The day where anxiety and depression take over every single week. I dread going to work on Mondays. I need a new job. πŸ˜”

Current events also make me depressed and anxious. North Korean threats to the USA and white supremacy rallies. I hope people realize that these white supremacy groups do not represent all white people. I’m so disappointed in humanity lately. 

I’m going to bed. 😞

This roller coaster we call life.

Human emotions are something else. When an emotion strikes me, it strikes me hard. People around me may not be able to notice, but inside I’m feeling all the feels. Happiness, sadness, anxiety, depression, uncertainty, all of it. There’s one emotion in particular that is quite frightening.

Love. There are a lot of feelings associated with love. Trust, vulnerability, infatuation, admiration, lust, etc. Love is scary. Truly loving someone is giving them the power to tear you apart but trusting that they won’t. Trusting that they will always do right by you. Trusting that they put you first. Trusting that if something is wrong they will communicate with you. 

Like with any other matter, you learn a lot about love, trust and communication as you go through life. People will leave scars on your heart. Bruises on your self esteem and insecurities. Pain on the soul. Despite all of the emotions and unknowns that come with loving someone we do it anyway. We go through the pain, the scarring, the bruises despite knowing that eventually, intentional or not, we are bound to get hurt.

I’m not just referencing love with a significant other. You can go through all of these emotions with a parent, friend or other family member too. People that are put in your life that you love. So why do we put ourselves through it and risk the pain?

Because no one is perfect, including you. You may have caused that same pain that you feel from loving someone. You may have made a stupid decision or unintentionally hurt someone you love without realizing the pain that you would inflict on them. Love is a risk that we all take. Being in love is a great feeling. The highs are high and the lows are low. We do it for the highs.

Ok I’m done with my philosophical-ness. Life is crazy and I’ve accepted that. It’s ok to feel. That is your right and no one can take that from you. Trust your intuition. 

I’m sitting in the parking lot about to go into the salon to get my hair done having an anxiety attack. Damn this anxiety and all of the mental and physical ailments that come with it. Just this once, I want to walk in there and not feel like I’m on the verge of death. Not look at the clock sweating. Not thinking about what the absolute worst scenario would be and how I would get out of it. Just go in there like a normal woman and come out feeling fabulous because my hair looks fly. But no. I’ll come out with fly hair but my shirt will be soaked in sweat. My stomach will hurt. Extreme exhaustion will wash over me and I’ll be emotionally and physically drained for the rest of the day until I get the next surge of adrenaline before my next attack. Joy.

Happy 4th of July people! Remember, despite what some people may tell you, America has always been great. If you think otherwise I encourage you to spend some time in other areas of the world, such as the Middle East or certain areas in South America. πŸ™‚

They say, “time heals everything”, but I’m still waiting…

Exhaustion. Fatigue. The result of prolonged anxiety. I’ve definitely been in a rut since returning from Hawaii. Work has been busy, now that Spring is here my yard is in need of an overhaul and Hallmark holidays are coming up that I dread. One in particular – Father’s Day. 

A reminder of my non-existent relationship with my Father. A reminder of the resentment I hold. A reminder of how much I wish things could be different. Usually for these holidays we spend time with my in-laws since my Mom and Step Dad live out of town. Lately spending time with anyone but my Husband or leaving the house in general is a real drag. Perhaps another sign that I need to make some changes in my life.

Other things on my mind: my cat still has a growth on her head, need to call the vet tomorrow. Feeling guilty for asking to work remote tomorrow despite the fact my boss(s) said it was ok. Stressed about the volume of work that I need to do. Need to finish removing shrubs from my gardens. Need to pick out new shrubs and order mulch. I understand a lot of this is “first world problems” or to some people not really problems at all but when you have generalized anxiety disorder all of these “to-dos” are overwhelming. I also really need to lose weight and stop eating my feelings. 

I’ve been thinking about writing a novel. I like to write – it distracts me from my self and is a good outlet for me creatively. After weeks of thinking about the storyline of my book I had a dream Saturday night that wrote my book for me. I tend to like twisted books and movies and always pictured myself writing a twisted novel or a self help book for others struggling with my mental disorders. Looks like someone else made the decision for me. Now to find time to write…

Hope everyone has a great week! 

Energy level: 0

This week has been rough. Some days my anxiety gives me the strength and adrenaline to power through the day. Other days it sucks all the energy from me and I feel lethargic. This past week has been a lethargic week. I’m shaky, I’m weak, I’m dizzy, I’m hyperaware of every ache and pain in my body and I am afraid to do anything. Despite feeling this way I pushed myself to get up and make it through the days at work. 

Now it’s the weekend (thank gah) and I have so much shit to do around my house, including the dreaded grocery shopping. I’ve been up since 2:30am thinking about it. I should’ve went late last night. Now it’s going to be busy and I’m going to have attacks all throughout the store, if I can muster up the energy to go (like I have a choice). 

I wrote a few posts back about how my husband wants to go to Hawaii for our 5 year wedding anniversary. A 12 hour flight of hell. My favorite place on earth. I’ve been thinking about it and we have to go. I need the trip for mental sake. 

My husband’s 5 year high school reunion is tonight. He told me I didn’t have to go and when I told him I would he said he thinks he’d rather I not go. That hurt. Can’t say that I don’t agree with his reasoning though. He wants to stay longer than an hour or 2 and wants to catch up with some of his old buddies that he hasn’t seen in years without having to worry about me. Sucks but he’s right. Hurts but he’s not lying. My anxiety makes it so hard to be social. I don’t want to ruin his night. He shouldn’t have to sacrifice doing things he likes to do because I’m a hot mess. 

I wish I could be someone else for a day. Someone who lives life to the fullest and didn’t let fear hold her back. Someone who was wasn’t paranoid about things. Someone who isn’t awkward during small talk. 

But I can’t. I’ll always be me. Anxious, paranoid, hermit me. And that’s something that I have accepted as I’ve gotten older. It is what it is. I need to try and sleep…!!

Have a wonderful Fall weekend! πŸƒπŸπŸ‚πŸŒ»

Head up, stay strong, fake a smile, move on…

Literally everything gives me anxiety. Thoughts, actions, nothing at all. It’s almost always present.

Busy weekends make for rough weeks for me. The things I have going on are things that probably wouldn’t make most people anxious. In fact, one of the things I’m doing most people look forward to because it relaxes them. 

The weekend started with helping my Sister move a few yards of top soil on Friday night after work. Let’s say I’m really out of shape and my entire body is still sore today. Saturday I cleaned my house, weeded my gardens, went to my Sister’s to see her horses, got my oil changed, came home and did laundry, went grocery shopping, and started to gut our master bathroom for remodeling. This morning consisted of waking up, meal prepping for the week (trying to lose a few lbs…!) and continuing to gut the master bathroom. 6 hours later, I’m taking a break to blog, getting something to drink and trying to stay upright (it’s 90 degrees outside). I’m exhausted.

Going to work everyday makes me extremely anxious. I sit at my desk and try to push through panic attacks while trying to maintain a somewhat normal faΓ§ade. So Sunday nights are usually really hard for me as I dread that and it drains the life out of me everyday. You may recall in a previous post of mine that I had a bad panic attack while getting my hair done about 2 months ago. As a result, I’m now petrified of that happening again, especially because it was so obvious that my hair dresser asked me if I was ok and I ended up running out with wet hair. I’ve since told her that I suffered with anxiety and, to my surprise, she offered to do my hair in a private room in the salon. How lucky did I get that my salon has a private room? Even though this should make going a little easier (if I freak out at least it’s only in front of her and not the entire salon), I’m still so anxious about it. To top it off it’s on Thursday, so I have 4 more days of anticipation. As I type this I can’t help but feel completely ridiculous. This illness is horrible.

I also  have various meetings this week at work that I’m going to have to sit through that are going to test my strength as I fight through panic, trying to hide what is really happening. This coming weekend is a long weekend (thank god), but it’s going to be a busy one. Family will be in town and the master bathroom project will continue. This part of my family knows about my anxiety (well, some of them) but they don’t get it. I told my Dad that I had Generalized Anxiety Disorder and just last weekend he asked me “How’s the anxiety? Better? You need to just take a deep breath and calm down, life is good”. I just smiled and thought to myself “you have no idea…”. And It’s true. People who don’t have an anxiety disorder have no idea about the struggle. They have no idea what it’s like to have no control over your thoughts (or your body), and how frustrating that is. If only I knew what triggered this. If only there was something that I could do (besides quit working and become an absolute hermit) that would make this better or better yet make it go away. But even if I did do that, I would still have anxiety. It’s a part of me.

In a nutshell, I’m already wishing away the upcoming week. Wishing away the long weekend. I look at it all as more obstacles that I have to somehow get through. In 2 weeks my Husband and I are going to Cape Cod for a long weekend. Staying at a nice bed and breakfast with no plans. We’re driving there so I don’t have to fly. I’m even anxious about that. I miss the days where I could actually genuinely enjoy things without zero worry.

Welp, it’s time for me to get back to work. 😩. I’ll leave you with a picture that makes me happy, and envious (it’s 90 degrees in my house and I want his life). Oh, and also a picture of the progress we have made so far! Until next time…πŸ™


Tired.

Things I am tired of:

Making excuses, hurting feelings, describing feelings, hiding feelings, feeling feelings, heart palpitations, dizziness, sweating, trying to live up to expectations, judgment, stigmas, taking myself too seriously, worrying, cleaning, weight, wobbly legs, overstimulation, putting up walls, memories, upset stomachs, money, home renovations, unfulfilling jobs, boredom, not being able to push myself physically, being afraid, not taking risks, holidays, healthy food, and last but certainly not least….generalized anxiety disorder, depression and OCD!!!!!

End rant. 😊

Bring on the work week. 😩