When people treat you like they don’t care, believe them.

Wow, I haven’t written since June. Not because I haven’t had anything to write about, but I’ve just been exhausted from dealing with life. Have you ever felt that way? So much going on you just don’t want to think about it, let alone write about it? Well today I think I’m ready to write.

Let’s start with work because what’s going on with my family is going to be more painful to write about.

Management decided that I was ready for a new opportunity and hired 4 people to do the work that I have been doing single handedly for 2 years. For 2 years I’ve been stressed, working way more than 40 hours, pretty much doing whatever I needed to do to meet/exceed expectations and get the job done in a quality manner. I’ve been available to my company on vacations. I’ve kept a program running. By myself. I never received any help. My job through the end of the year is to train this staff of 4 (including the new manager) on what I do. Starting in January my responsibilities change. What will they be? Your guess is as good as mine. Yea…nerve wracking. I’m not being let go but they are still trying to figure out what my new role will be. So far it sounds like I’ll be forced to take on all of these random tasks that no one else wants to do. Cool. 😣

Now for family. This is hard. In order to not be a sad sack everyday I push these thoughts to the back of my mind because it’s so depressing.

About a year ago I took an ancestry DNA test. My husband and I thought it would be cool to know our heritages and were thinking of planning a trip to Europe. That was our sole reasoning for taking these tests.

A few months ago on a Saturday night my husband and I were watching a movie when I started getting emails from Ancestry. A woman reached out to me to see how we were related. We shared half of our DNA. My stomach sank. Her name didn’t sound familiar. I knew none of her relatives. She then asks what my Father’s name is. I told her. She then went silent for about 30 minutes. I figured maybe she didn’t know him and I went on with my life.

She then messaged me saying that she thinks he is her Father too. Her Mother had slept with him once 36 years ago. I was shocked but then again I wasn’t (knowing my Dad). We proceeded to message each other the rest of the night.

If you read my blog then you know that I do not have a relationship with my Dad. I didn’t think it was my place to tell him about this daughter. She now had his name and she could message him on Facebook if she wanted to. But it was such a big secret. I went back and forth about whether or not I should tell my sister. She’s very close with my Dad and is extremely protective of him.

I waited 24 hours and then told her. I had to. Initially my sister was annoyed that I took the Ancestry test, was worried about how our Dad would feel about it and she was skeptical about what this new half sister would want from him. Then she was upset at me for putting her in a position to tell our Dad and decided she wasn’t going to say anything. Our half sister had everything she needed to reach out should she want to – my sister had no obligation to tell our Dad and I didn’t tell her about it because I wanted her to tell him.

Well of course my sister told my Dad less than 24 hours after I told her. My Father remembered the rendezvous with her Mother and said it was possible. Suddenly my sister’s tune changed and she and my Dad decided to take Ancestry DNA tests as well.

My Dad met his new daughter and decided to set up a meet and greet with her at a park for his family. I didn’t say a word to our half sister about my relationship with my Dad because I didn’t want to skew her feelings and wanted her to form her own opinions.

A year ago I ran into my Father at an event and he walked right past me when I went to acknowledge him like I was invisible. Despite that, he sent me an invitation to the park to meet his new daughter. The tone of his email was cold and he made it clear this meeting wasn’t about him and I, it was about his new daughter, Jackie. I decided not to attend as the email itself was a punch to the chest (he cares to have a relationship with her but not me) and I wasn’t sure I would be able to set my feelings aside.

My sister, myself and Jackie had a group text going at this point. Jackie had asked a question and I felt that my sister’s response seemed a little territorial over her family (I say her family because I don’t have relationships with them). I sent my sister a text on the side and mentioned it and that was when she lost it on me. She told me I’m negative, I bring her down, I add no value to her life and she resents me for a decision I made to better my life when I was 14 (she was supposed to come with me but decided to stay living with my Dad). Apparently after I left her life was hell. This hurt me deeply because that is the exact reason my Dad and I don’t have a relationship. He is still upset that I moved back with my Mom when I was 14. I decided to tell my sister how I felt and we haven’t spoke since, besides a text that she sent me saying she hopes I reconsider not going to the park to meet Jackie because “we should be there for our sister”. How about you be there for the sister you’ve had for 28 years, no?

I’m currently 31 years old. These people are stuck in the past and still resent me over something that happened 17 years ago. A decision I made 17 years ago to better our lives (my sisters included). I never meant anyone any harm and I can’t change the past (nor would I in the case of that decision). I just don’t have the energy anymore to talk about these things and as long as they resent me we will never be able to have a comfortable relationship.

That said, my sister essentially asked me to be the maid of honor in her wedding prior to all of this happening. Growing up, there was no question that I was going to be her maid of honor. Since we were kids, I’ve thought about the bridal shower I would throw her and the maid of honor speech I would give. I never thought we would have a falling out like this where we wouldn’t be speaking. We’ve been pretty close for years, particularly the last 12ish years when my husband and I have been there for her more than anyone else. I would do anything for her, despite the way she treats me.

Needless to say, a couple of weeks ago my Mom broke it to me that she’s asked her friend to be her maid of honor. This past week I heard that my husband and I weren’t invited to her wedding. It crushed me. Then again if she hates me as much as she told me she does and thinks I’m an awful person, I wouldn’t want her to be fake and invite me. I guess I just never thought our relationship would come to this.

I ended up meeting Jackie at a coffee shop a few weeks after she met the family at the park. We talked for about 4 hours. It was hard to look at her – every time I did I saw my Dad. They have the same eyes. It kind of broke my heart (further). She told me that my Dad and her had already had a falling out. I was sad to hear that but at the same time I felt as though my feelings were validated – I know I’m not crazy for feeling the way I do and it was refreshing to hear another child of his feel this way about him since my sister defends him constantly and acts like the way that he acts is ok and justified. It’s not.

You never know when life is going to throw you a curveball. Through all of this; despite what anyone says about me, I know who I am. I have no regrets. It’s time for me to take care of me now.

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Tired.

Things I am tired of:

Making excuses, hurting feelings, describing feelings, hiding feelings, feeling feelings, heart palpitations, dizziness, sweating, trying to live up to expectations, judgment, stigmas, taking myself too seriously, worrying, cleaning, weight, wobbly legs, overstimulation, putting up walls, memories, upset stomachs, money, home renovations, unfulfilling jobs, boredom, not being able to push myself physically, being afraid, not taking risks, holidays, healthy food, and last but certainly not least….generalized anxiety disorder, depression and OCD!!!!!

End rant. 😊

Bring on the work week. 😩