Dear Diary:

(An open letter to my sister – I just have to get this off my chest 😩)

I’m confused.

Back in August, you took me to a nearby city to see my favorite childhood band growing up for my birthday. You told me that I’m your maid of honor and we talked about your wedding (your colors, you asked if I could help with centerpieces, etc). You publicly declared on Facebook that I’m your best friend and you’re grateful God made us sisters shortly after.

Then I discover that we have a half sister. I tell you and initially you were skeptical and worried about how our Father would react. Then after you share the news with him and he takes it surprisingly well, you change your tune. Suddenly you decide you’re ok with it too and try to guilt me into a picnic arranged by our Father (who does not like nor talk to me) to introduce our half sister to his family. During a group chat with our half sister I noticed you got territorial over your family so I made a comment about it on the side. That’s when you lost it on me – telling me how awful of a person I am and validating that you resent me for your shitty childhood, made even shittier due to a decision that you made (I gave you an out, you changed your mind on me. Although devastated, I never resented you for that.). You then proceeded to indicate that you thought I was a negative influence on your life and I always bring you down.

We haven’t spoke in weeks. You send me a Snapchat picture of us about 10 years ago and another of you and an ex boyfriend that you had that I loathed. I replied “yikes” because I was so confused and speechless as to why you would send me these photos with no words after the awful things you said to me weeks before.

Fast forward about 2 months and you’re texting me out of the blue saying you think our Step Dad is up to no good. You did some research and think himself and our Mother are in trouble. You clearly hate our Step Dad and seem to be trying to being him down (which in turn would bring our Mother down). Although bothered by the entire conversation, I let you vent and tell you there’s nothing we can do. Now – if the roles were reversed, and I was bringing dirt to you on our Step Mother or Father, you would absolutely lose your shit on me. Our Father’s name can’t leave my mouth without you losing your shit. Just wanted to throw that out there.

You claim to have reached out to me – which is true – but you have not addressed the elephant in the room – the conversation we had weeks prior.

Since then I find out that I’ve been replaced as your maid of honor. I find out our Step Dad is not invited to your wedding (meaning our mother will be going alone – this devastates her not that you give a shit but I guess it doesn’t even matter anymore since you pulled that last stunt and he’s pissed at you (cowardly to not just come out and tell him he’s not invited – you took the snooping through his shit piss him off route instead so he wouldn’t want to attend). I heard we weren’t going to be invited to the wedding too.

Then I’m out of town and informed we received a save the date for your wedding.

Say what?? Let me get this straight.

I’m a negative, awful person who has ruined your life and brings you down. I’m not good enough to stand up in your wedding, not good enough to put in the effort to try and talk to about everything, but you want me to attend your wedding as a guest?

You’re really expecting me to sit in the crowd and watch you get married? Watch my replacement maid of honor stand up for you and give a speech? Watch our step sister stand up for you? Watch our Father that doesn’t speak to or acknowledge me bawl his eyes out as he gives his baby, the most important person on earth to him away? Watch our Mother sit there uncomfortable without her husband, taking care of our elderly grandmother that can barely walk 3 steps who is going to struggle the entire trip up here for your wedding? Watch you spend 90% of your time with our Father and his family despite the fact Mom hauled Grandma up here and your aunts, uncles and cousins, most of which you don’t like and have talked shit about on Mom’s side make the trek to attend your wedding? When at that point at this rate we will have not spoken in almost a year?

Are you bat shit crazy? You cannot possibly be that selfish or out of touch.

As if you haven’t slapped me in the face enough, this is the ultimate slap and a blatant disregard to my feelings. Honestly I feel as though I don’t even know you anymore, but I’ve learned a lot about you in the past 6 months. Shame on me for ignoring the truth and being the best sister I thought I could have been to you despite how much you’ve hurt me in the past. I don’t have any regrets, but it’s time I start looking out for me and protecting my spirit. I don’t have the energy for conflict and I refuse to live in the past. I’m done.

This means that I have no intention on attending any of your wedding events. I’ve taken what you said seriously since I have no reason to believe you didn’t mean what you said, and the last thing I need or want is you blaming a bad wedding day on my negativity or presence since I bring you down. I haven’t been this hurt since our Father walked past me as though I was a complete stranger at your baptism 2 years ago. I can’t take the pain caused by you or him anymore. As you both love to say, “life’s too short”. Well I’m choosing happy going forward. I am unapologetically me, take it or leave it.

Best of luck to you and your future husband. I hope we can be civil and maybe have a relationship/get to know each other again (since I feel like I don’t even know you).

Also I hope your intentions behind inviting me to your wedding go as planned. I’m not stupid. Why else would you invite someone you don’t talk to that brings you down? Oh right so when I don’t show and people ask where I am you can say you invited me and I look like an asshole for not attending my sister’s wedding. Well played.

I’m having flashbacks to the picnic our Father (who doesn’t talk to me) held to meet our half sister in person knowing I wouldn’t attend (because I don’t do fake) thinking it would make me look like an asshole to our new half sister. Hmm…you saw how that turned out. 😉



This time of year is always pretty depressing for me. I currently don’t have a relationship with my Father or my Mother. My seasonal depression starts to kick in and I start stressing about those 10-15 lbs that I would like to lose by Spring. I start questioning my job and whether or not I’m really happy or content.

2 days ago I got into my first car accident. I got caught up at work and left an hour and a half later than I should have. I was side swiped at 60 mph on the thruway by a car full of men who didn’t speak English. After they hit me they tried to flee but traffic was backed up and when they realized there was nowhere that they could go they finally pulled over.

We were blocking the left lane of a 3 way highway during a high traffic time. I immediately went into panic mode and began to have a horrible anxiety attack. 3 of the men got out of the car and started circling my vehicle. The other tried to communicate with me but he knew no English and I didn’t know any Chinese. Once we stopped I called the police. The Officer was so good with me considering I was hyperventilating and convulsing uncontrollably. My glove box popped open when I was hit, it was dark and I couldn’t find my registration or insurance card. When I finally did find the documents I was shaking so bad I dropped them several times. The Officer was so patient and kind to me. After talking with us both (or attempting to talk with them) he indicated that it was clear by the damage that the accident was the other driver’s fault. He wrote them a ticket, gave me the accident report and we all were able to drive away at that point.

Perspective. This accident could have been A LOT worse. I may not have parents that I can call when things in my life go array, but I have a loving supportive husband that I got to come home to who comforted me as I continued to convulse for 3 more hours after the accident. Who called the insurance company and is working with them to get my car fixed. Who is there for me through thick and thin.

Do I still need to lose those 10-15 lbs? Yes. Do I love my job? No, but it pays my bills and allows my husband and I to go on vacations. Am I truly happy? Well, yes. Although I struggle with anxiety and depression, I’m alive today and my life could be so much worse.

Sometimes when we are feeling low we get a wake up call and change our perspective. Sometimes when we have a mental illness we lose sight of that perspective quicker than others. But we continue to fight the good fight and look for the positive. We continue to keep our heads up. Life is a roller coaster and I’m along for the ride.


I’m really depressed. I feel numb. Fatigued. On the verge of tears. Exhausted. I don’t know what to say and don’t want to talk about it. Emotionless. 

I spent all night last night having anxiety attacks staring at the clock. Finally around 5am I got out of bed and worked out for an hour, hoping to release some of the adrenaline. It didn’t help. I was just sore and anxious after.

My sister got baptized this morning. I’m not a religious person so going to church is uncomfortable for me, seeing as how I don’t know any of the songs, prayers, etc. I’m also am introvert so the small talk is torture. I know how much it meant to my sister that I be there so I went with my husband. As if that situation didn’t cause me enough anxiety, my Dad also went. My Dad and I do not have a good relationship and I had no idea how he would act towards my husband and I. I figured that he would be cordial since we were in a church celebrating my sister. Wrong. 

He acted as though we were invisible, blatently ignoring us. While he wouldn’t make eye contact with me, he disregarded my husband very rudely. Suddenly I became overrun with emotion and ran out of the church hoping no one would see me cry. After a few minutes I pulled myself back together and went inside. We didn’t sit with the rest of the family. We also didn’t attend the cookout afterwards since my Dad was going to be there and I didn’t want to risk conflict and ruin my sisters day.

I don’t even know why my Dad is mad at me anymore. Why he doesn’t want me in his life. This is the first time he’s rejected me in public. Normally he cares about perception – God forbid people know how messed up our relationship is. God forbid he is seen as the bad guy. But not this time. Usually he pretends to not be an asshole in front of people so that I look like the ass. Not this time. I don’t know why I got so emotional, I’m used to this. Just not in public. This felt like he finally threw in the towel with me. Chose to write me off permanently and wanted to make it known. 

From the time I was 14 I’ve been going through this with him. People say to me “he’s an asshole don’t let him get to you”, “he doesn’t deserve to have you in his life”, “don’t let him get you down”. I wish it was that easy, but I do care. He’s my Father. He has messed up a lot, but he’s my parent. I’m supposed to be able to call him when I have a bad day. I’m supposed to know that he will have my back when I fall. Care about my life. Be there for me when I need him. Love me unconditionally. But he doesn’t. I haven’t had a Father since I was 14 years old and it looks like I’ll never have one. That’s a hard pill to swallow. 

It’s also Sunday. The day where anxiety and depression take over every single week. I dread going to work on Mondays. I need a new job. 😔

Current events also make me depressed and anxious. North Korean threats to the USA and white supremacy rallies. I hope people realize that these white supremacy groups do not represent all white people. I’m so disappointed in humanity lately. 

I’m going to bed. 😞

Split families got me like…

Warning: This is going to be a complete vent session. 

I come from a split family. My parents got divorced when I was 5 years old. I grew up with parents that had so much resentment for eachother that co-parenting was out of the question. My childhood was a legit hot mess. 

My Dad did some “dating” (or hooking up, whatever term you’re into) and after several women found my step mom. They’ve been together probably 20 years or so. My Mom ended ended up marrying the first guy she dated post divorce, and they’ve been together for 25 years. 

My Step Dad had no children of his own. My Step Mom had 2 from a previous marriage. I spent my childhood living about half with my Dad and half with my Mom. I became close to my step siblings. When I was 14 I decided I wanted to live with my Mom permanently and that’s when my relationship with my Dad crumbled. Unfortunately that meant distance from my Step Mom and siblings as well.

Fast forward about 10 years and my Dad and I attempt a relationship again. Over those 10 years we spoke sporadically, usually when my Dad drank a few too many cocktails and grew what I like to call “beer balls” (yes I know his booze of choice isn’t beer, but Bacardi and you get the point). Needless to say those sporadic conversations didn’t end well (they were the reason I left to begin with). 

My Dad and I eventually talked, I told him how I felt about everything I had been through as a child and how much pain I still carried with me. He told me how he felt and we decided to attempt to put that all behind us and start over despite the fact that we didn’t agree on anything. I gave this relationship an honest effort. Made sure I reached out from time to time, drove an hour to see him (he wouldn’t come to my house) and played nice even though almost everything that comes out of his mouth I don’t agree with. We are totally different people.

Fast forward to a few years ago when my husband and I were having marital issues and he threw some house renovations that he did for us in my face (we paid him, FYI). Although I was hurt and angry, I decided to make another attempt at a relationship with him. We pretty much repeated what I indicated in the last paragraph. I drove to see him on holidays and for cookouts. Actually, it was more to see my siblings. I really enjoy spending time with them and missed seeing them when my Dad and I were on the outs. 

Time goes by and it’s time for the 2016 election. Dad and I have completely different political views. We exchanged a few Facebook messages about what was going on. He seemed to love talking to me about politics – I couldn’t figure out if it was the debate he enjoyed or just the fact that we always had awkward conversation until then when we spoke like 2 friends talking about politics. Needless to say, when Trump won the election I was devastated. For multiple reasons that I won’t get into now. Suddenly those disrespectful Hillary memes weren’t so funny anymore. We began talking less and less and finally he blocked me on Facebook. I unfriended him – no need for him to see what’s going on in my life if he doesn’t even want a relationship with me. And now we haven’t spoke in months.

A few days ago my sister told me that she is getting baptized in 2 weeks. She recently went on a spiritual journey if you will and although I found it odd I always support her as long as what she’s doing isn’t harming her in any way. My Dad on the other hand has not been very supportive of her. To my surprise, she told him about the baptism and he said he is going to go with my step mom. Great. 

I’m happy that he is going to support my sister. He also knows that I always support her and I will be there. I wonder if he is dreading seeing me and much as I am dreading seeing him? I wonder if he feels the elephant in the room like I do. I wonder if he thinks this is a good opportunity to talk to me (it’s not). I wonder if he likes seeing me full of angst and uncomfortable. I know him being there will mean a lot to my sister and I guess that’s all that matters.

Since I haven’t seen my siblings in months, we thought it would be nice to get everyone together for a cook out. My sister and I talked about it and decided it would be “kids only”. Well today I’m told it’s going to be at my step brothers house right after my sisters baptism. Where my Dad will be. Great. I want to spend time with my siblings so bad but the anxiety that comes along with dealing with my Dad is too great of a burden to bare right now. I know my Dad will want to take my sibs out to eat after my sisters baptism and I know my step brother will invite him back to their house because he will feel guilty. 

This all may sound really petty, but I just don’t have the energy anymore. I’ve tried to have a relationship with my Dad. I’ve put myself in so many uncomfortable positions to spend time with my family. I’ve cried so many tears thinking about the past. There is literally no more gas in my tank when it comes to dealing with this.

I would love to see my siblings but I can’t do it at the expense of my mental health anymore. Call me selfish but this is not ok with me. I am not ok. 

I step out of my comfort zone all the time to live life like a somewhat normal person despite the fact I struggle with GAD. Having GAD is something that I can’t change. I’ve always had it. But I can control my environment and it’s time that I control the things that I CAN control. 

That said, no, I do not want to come to your cookout if my Dad will be there. Yes, I miss my siblings. Yes, I wish I had a relationship with my Dad so it wasn’t awkward for all of us but this is just the way it is. I’ve tried. I’ve spent the last 10 years of my adult life trying. I’ve come to terms with what is. 

I will go to my sister’s baptism. I will be polite and be the bigger person when I see my Dad for the first time in a year. I will not put myself in an uncomfortable position with him any longer than I have to.  Been there, done that. 


Poetic thoughts.

Noise in the distance, people yelling;

pounding in my chest, this is telling.

She picks us up and takes us to the car;

It’s not long before we change who we are.

Are you happy, honey? Is this where you want to be?

Yes it is, but can I leave?


Days go by and things turn ugly;

she’s leaving again and the lights are acting funny.

He comes home late smelling like alcohol;

wonder if he remembers that he has kids at all?

Waking up at night, head pounding;

can’t take this anymore, feel like I’m drowning.


Breathe child, think about what you’re doing;

Can’t you see it’s a family that you’re ruining?

Tired, sweating, anxious and out of breath;

this is what I want, I have nothing left.

“You’re not old enough to make your own decision”;

tired of you telling me what to do, you don’t know my vision.


No longer thinking someone else’s thoughts;

who would have known I could be my own boss?

Alone and afraid with nothing to lose,

these kids are tough, but honey so are you.

Going through the motions and putting up walls;

getting tired of walking down these halls.

“Be strong you can do this”, I’d say to myself;

you control your own destiny, you don’t need any help.


I haven’t heard from you in months,

that must mean you’re not missing me that much.

“A parent has unconditional love for their child”,

practice what you preach and I may feel worthwhile.

She stayed and I left, does that make me bad?

The few times I talked to you, you always seemed mad.


It hurts so much but I’ve become numb from the pain,

I used to wish I could take out my brain.

Memories come late at night flooding back,

here comes that dreaded anxiety attack.

Heart pumping, mind numbing, shaky limbs and a sweaty back,

how long is this going to last?


Graduating from high school; such an accomplishment,

you’re weren’t there, but I don’t have any resentment.

Never heard from you that day or the next,

if you had a cell phone I’m not sure you would text.


Life has a funny way of working itself out,

a few years later the truth all comes out.

Now you know how I feel even though it was ugly,

I resent you for the childhood that you took from me.

The only thing that remains the same,

are those anxiety attacks that always came.