“SAD”

I’m really depressed. I feel numb. Fatigued. On the verge of tears. Exhausted. I don’t know what to say and don’t want to talk about it. Emotionless. 

I spent all night last night having anxiety attacks staring at the clock. Finally around 5am I got out of bed and worked out for an hour, hoping to release some of the adrenaline. It didn’t help. I was just sore and anxious after.

My sister got baptized this morning. I’m not a religious person so going to church is uncomfortable for me, seeing as how I don’t know any of the songs, prayers, etc. I’m also am introvert so the small talk is torture. I know how much it meant to my sister that I be there so I went with my husband. As if that situation didn’t cause me enough anxiety, my Dad also went. My Dad and I do not have a good relationship and I had no idea how he would act towards my husband and I. I figured that he would be cordial since we were in a church celebrating my sister. Wrong. 

He acted as though we were invisible, blatently ignoring us. While he wouldn’t make eye contact with me, he disregarded my husband very rudely. Suddenly I became overrun with emotion and ran out of the church hoping no one would see me cry. After a few minutes I pulled myself back together and went inside. We didn’t sit with the rest of the family. We also didn’t attend the cookout afterwards since my Dad was going to be there and I didn’t want to risk conflict and ruin my sisters day.

I don’t even know why my Dad is mad at me anymore. Why he doesn’t want me in his life. This is the first time he’s rejected me in public. Normally he cares about perception – God forbid people know how messed up our relationship is. God forbid he is seen as the bad guy. But not this time. Usually he pretends to not be an asshole in front of people so that I look like the ass. Not this time. I don’t know why I got so emotional, I’m used to this. Just not in public. This felt like he finally threw in the towel with me. Chose to write me off permanently and wanted to make it known. 

From the time I was 14 I’ve been going through this with him. People say to me “he’s an asshole don’t let him get to you”, “he doesn’t deserve to have you in his life”, “don’t let him get you down”. I wish it was that easy, but I do care. He’s my Father. He has messed up a lot, but he’s my parent. I’m supposed to be able to call him when I have a bad day. I’m supposed to know that he will have my back when I fall. Care about my life. Be there for me when I need him. Love me unconditionally. But he doesn’t. I haven’t had a Father since I was 14 years old and it looks like I’ll never have one. That’s a hard pill to swallow. 

It’s also Sunday. The day where anxiety and depression take over every single week. I dread going to work on Mondays. I need a new job. 😔

Current events also make me depressed and anxious. North Korean threats to the USA and white supremacy rallies. I hope people realize that these white supremacy groups do not represent all white people. I’m so disappointed in humanity lately. 

I’m going to bed. 😞

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Introvert Thoughts

I’m an introvert. Being in social situations exhausts me. I don’t like to gloat about what I’m doing in my life, my job, my relationships. I generally do more listening than speaking and I don’t like being the center of attention.

That said, I’ve observed a lot over the past few weeks while my Mom was in town visiting, seeing some extended family and going to a cookout at my Dad’s house. How people interact with eachother, what they say, what they don’t say, and how they get what they want from other people.

I don’t need the attention that other people may crave. I don’t need you to ask about me or show interest in my life for me to be content. I don’t need your approval or support because I know that I have my shit together. If you don’t care to want to know what is going on in my life…fine by me!

But you would think that some people would care. Family, for example. See, people who are loud and over exerting themselves to get my attention aren’t the people that I care to listen to. I want to know what is going on in the quiet person’s head. The person who doesn’t compete with the extroverts for a chance to talk about themselves. The person who is quiet and observant and not loud and unaware of their surroundings. The thinkers. Those are the people who I tend to gravitate to that intrigue me.

Being an introvert surrounded by many extroverts I’ve learned a lot. These past few weeks have been a little rough for me but at the same time I’ve never felt more content with myself, or my life.