2016 was a rough year. An anxious year. I struggled though most of it but managed to get by. I started a new job. I visited Cape Cod and Key West. We remodeled our master bathroom. I paid off my beauty school student loans (tough paying these, especially since I haven’t been doing hair for about 7 years). I survived getting blood work done (major anxious moment – I passed out last time). I lost a Grandma. Donald Trump was elected president (insane in my opinion). I was sent to NYC for my first offsite work seminar (which was a nightmare). I hosted my parents for a week over the holidays and didn’t have a total breakdown (just partial). I survived several panic attacks over the past 365 days.
I’ve decided that 2017 will be the year of me. I’m going to start taking care of myself. Worrying more about myself. Not being as hard on myself. Making choices for my happiness. Doing things for me. I have GAD, depression and OCD. There is nothing that I can do to change that so why should I beat myself up over it? I’m tired of making excuses for my anxiety. It’s something I live with and struggle with everyday. Although I fight it to be a productive member of society I have limitations. This is not a choice. I do not take medication for it (nothing wrong with taking meds – I did for years). I’m not going to feel guilty for saying “no” if I don’t want to do something. I don’t think this is selfish. My anxious mind spends so much time worrying about others. Worrying about what they will think if I do certain things. If I don’t do certain things. Worrying about things I can’t control. We all have a duty to worry about ourselves because if we don’t, who will? This year I’m going to do my best to let go. If you don’t understand my mental illnesses and think I’m making excuses – educate yourself.
This year I’m going to Hawaii (aka one of my favorite places on earth) for the 3rd time. I would love to live there but I’ve been unsuccessful in finding a job (why would they hire someone from NY?) so I’ll just have to retire there. I’m hoping my job turns around. The company is stable (unlike the last bank that I worked for) but the culture is horrible and my job duties have changed 3 times in the past 6 months so now I’m not really even doing what I wanted to do/was hired to do. I hope to have the floors in my house re-done (since I ruined them) and I hope to take many long weekend trips! Most of all, I’m going to try and stay as positive as possible despite all of the negativity in this world. Wish me luck!