Energy level: 0

This week has been rough. Some days my anxiety gives me the strength and adrenaline to power through the day. Other days it sucks all the energy from me and I feel lethargic. This past week has been a lethargic week. I’m shaky, I’m weak, I’m dizzy, I’m hyperaware of every ache and pain in my body and I am afraid to do anything. Despite feeling this way I pushed myself to get up and make it through the days at work. 

Now it’s the weekend (thank gah) and I have so much shit to do around my house, including the dreaded grocery shopping. I’ve been up since 2:30am thinking about it. I should’ve went late last night. Now it’s going to be busy and I’m going to have attacks all throughout the store, if I can muster up the energy to go (like I have a choice). 

I wrote a few posts back about how my husband wants to go to Hawaii for our 5 year wedding anniversary. A 12 hour flight of hell. My favorite place on earth. I’ve been thinking about it and we have to go. I need the trip for mental sake. 

My husband’s 5 year high school reunion is tonight. He told me I didn’t have to go and when I told him I would he said he thinks he’d rather I not go. That hurt. Can’t say that I don’t agree with his reasoning though. He wants to stay longer than an hour or 2 and wants to catch up with some of his old buddies that he hasn’t seen in years without having to worry about me. Sucks but he’s right. Hurts but he’s not lying. My anxiety makes it so hard to be social. I don’t want to ruin his night. He shouldn’t have to sacrifice doing things he likes to do because I’m a hot mess. 

I wish I could be someone else for a day. Someone who lives life to the fullest and didn’t let fear hold her back. Someone who was wasn’t paranoid about things. Someone who isn’t awkward during small talk. 

But I can’t. I’ll always be me. Anxious, paranoid, hermit me. And that’s something that I have accepted as I’ve gotten older. It is what it is. I need to try and sleep…!!

Have a wonderful Fall weekend! 🍃🍁🍂🌻

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