Sometimes, the fear won’t go away so you have to do it afraid. 

Sunday anxiety is the worst. Tomorrow brings a lot of work stress, some dental work and a contractor coming over to do the countertop for our vanity in the master bathroom. All of these things give me horrible anxiety. Particularly the dentist. Oh and my husband is begging me to book our 5 year wedding anniversary trip. Where does he want to go? Hawaii. Yep a 12 hour flight away from where we live.

I want to go on this trip so bad. We both work hard, we’ve been through a lot in the past almost 5 years that we’ve been married and Hawaii is where I belong (or so I say and feel). But all I can think about are the horrible things that could happen. There have been so many stories lately about flights experiencing bad turbulence, engines blowing up, computers going down and long delays. 

I have bad panic attacks on flights normally when nothing goes wrong. If something like this happened, I would be done. I may even die. Do I let the fear of the flight keep me from enjoying a nice trip? If you ask me today, the answer is yes. And I’m so mad. I’m mad that I’m letting this disorder run my life. But right now today I’m not feeling strong enough to make the reservations and buy the tickets. I’m not feeling strong enough to know that I can keep it together for 12 hours of flying, medicated or not. I’m not feeling strong enough to book the trip today even though we will not be going until April 2017. So I will wait another few days until I’m feeling stronger, then revisit it then. 

As of now, I have to get through this anxiety and get the dental work done in the morning. Then get to work and try to keep it together until the contractor is gone from my house. Then I will fall apart. These things sound so easy and basic but they drain the life out of me as I contemplate the worst possible scenarios occurring during each event. 

I wish I could shut the anxiety off. I wish I could be “normal”. I wish I had more flexibility at my job. I wish I felt better physically. I wish we lived in a world where there was no hate. Today is the 15th anniversary of 9/11/01. Each year I get more and more emotional when I think about what happened that day. I don’t know if it’s because I’m getting older and more understanding or if it’s my anxiety making me paranoid that an attack like that could very well happen again. Anywhere. At any time. 

Just need to take things one day at a time. Until next time…❤️🇺🇸💙

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