The day started quick. Woke up anxious at 4am. Rolled around in bed for about an hour trying to fall back asleep unsuccessfully. After realizing it wasn’t going to happen I got up and put in a 30 minute workout DVD. I worked out hard, like I had something to prove. Afterwards, I showered and decided to go grocery shopping. Alone. Again, like I had something to prove. I was pretending to be normal. Pretending to not have GAD.
The grocery store terrifies me. I get anxious and over stimulated walking down the isles. When I left my house I felt good about going. As I got closer I started to feel a pit in my stomach. When I pulled into the parking lot I was shaking and sweating. Despite these feelings, I went in anyway. I legitimately power walked through the store, grabbing items off of the shelves as I walked by. When I got to the check out I took a deep breathe and began unloading my cart. It wasn’t until I had everything on the belt that I noticed the cashier, a bored teenager, taking ridiculously long to scan my items. Now that I’m trying to eat healthier, the majority of what I buy is produce. Produce that this girl did not know the codes for. Long story short I started having a bad anxiety attack. The few minutes I had to wait while she looked up the codes felt like hours. I pretty much ran to the car, unloaded everything, got in and rode out the attack. After 5 minutes I started getting my bearings back when I realized I had to go to the bank. Saturday’s at the bank are always busy because they are only open 3 hours. You can imagine how that went…
Needless to say when I returned home I was still running on all of that adrenaline. I cleaned my entire house top to bottom and did a load of laundry
Now, I’m anxious and exhausted. My entire body hurts, my sinuses are all congested, I have a headache, and I want to cry (I probably will).
I’m also feeling very guilty. A friend who lives out of town is in town tonight and I promised to do my best to meet her out and her husband’s event. The event is over an hour away. My husband is working on the master bathroom (needs to be at a certain point for tile next weekend). I would have to drive myself. Go by myself. I just don’t think I can do it. I know better than to commit to anything anymore (usually when I do it’s during a moment I’m doing ok mentally, and when the time comes I freak out). A normal person wouldn’t have these issues.
Ok I’m crying. There’s so much I want to do. I’m dreading work on Monday already and Sunday hasn’t even happened yet. I hope this isn’t an indication of the week to come.
Welp, there goes the increased heart rate. Soon will be the dizziness and sweating. Sometimes I wonder how much more of this I can take. 😔
Oh a positive note: grocery shopping is done. House is clean. Only one more load of laundry to do.
Is it bedtime yet? 😞