My brain is tired.

Short weeks are a blessing and a curse. Blessing because it’s one less day in the office. Curse because it makes for the longest 4 day work week ever because going back to work is so depressing. Oh and having anxiety makes the days go by in slow motion because it is torturous.

We leave Saturday for a long weekend in Cape Cod! I’m excited to go, have never been there. Dreading the long car ride there, but it could be worse…we could be flying. At least if I start to have a panic attack in the car we can always pull over or I can drive. Having a panic attack in an airplane is horrible because you’re trapped and you can’t escape. Visiting unfamiliar places gives me anxiety. Hell, everything gives me anxiety lets be honest. I don’t remember the last time I actually enjoyed something without this weight on my chest. That’s depressing to think about…

I’ve decided I’m going to turn over a new leaf. I want to better myself. Not just mentally, but physically too. After my trip this weekend I’m going to start eating better. I’m going to work out. I’m going to start putting myself first. People often say that exercise and healthy eating helps their anxiety. Hopefully once I get passed the sugar detox I will start feeling better physically. I often use food as a crutch when anxious just to distract myself from my thoughts. Not healthy food, sugary, high carb food.

I posted last weekend about my husband demoing our master bathroom. I’m glad he’s motivated to do it (it was gross…tile cracking, discolored flooring, etc) but I also was looking forward to enjoying our summer and it seems that this project will be taking up much of our time. Don’t get me wrong, it really needed to be done. We found black mold behind the bath fitter that was in there (big health hazard). But this was a long weekend and we’ve just worked on the bathroom the entire time. I was hoping to take out our kayaks but that didn’t happen either. Home renovations are not good for my OCD. I hate things being out of place. I hate when things aren’t clean. The joys of being a homeowner…and suffering from mental illness.

Anyway, this post isn’t really about anything in particular. Just some random thoughts as I take a break from being a construction worker and my husband runs to Home Depot.

Next April is our 5 year wedding anniversary and hubby wants to go back to Hawaii where we got married. We’ve spent so much money on home renovation the thought of dropping money on a Hawaiian vacation makes me anxious (we live in NY…it’s not cheap. Did I mention I HATE flying?). But you know what? Maybe I need to stop being so uptight. Maybe I need to stop worrying about things I shouldn’t worry about. Maybe, I should do the things I want to do. Maybe, I should just move to Hawaii and live off of the land….

Maybe…

A girl can dream…

 

  

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