I want so bad to write a positive blog post about how I overcame my anxiety and conquered the day. But I can’t, because I didn’t. In fact, I was up all night tossing and turning thinking about how hard today was going to be at work. How hard it was going to be to hide the bad anxiety I was feeling from the rest of the world. How hard it was going to be to focus. How hard it was going to be to sit at my desk all day while this adrenaline flowed through my body. How hard it was going to be to keep it together in front of my coworkers for 9 hours.
Then the morning came and I decided that I wasn’t strong enough to endure all of that today. I just don’t have it in me. This weekend was rough. It took everything that I had on Saturday to go grocery shopping. Sunday we were supposed to go to my Father In-Law’s for dinner but I convinced my husband that inviting him over to our house next weekend for dinner would be better because it’s closer to Father’s Day and he wouldn’t have to cook. Truth is that I just couldn’t handle going over there and I didn’t want him to have to go alone and explain to everyone why I wasn’t there (they don’t know that I struggle with debilitating anxiety) so he would lie and I don’t want him to lie to his family over me. After being so high strung this weekend, this morning I had to listen to my body tell me that I can’t be strong anymore. That I needed to recuperate mentally.
When I texted my boss and told her that I wasn’t feeling well and needed to stay home (I can’t tell her I struggle with GAD, then she will likely think that I’m weak and cannot handle my job, which may or may not be the case thanks to the stigma surrounding mental illnesses), she told me no problem, feel better. I snickered to myself after reading that text. I would do anything to feel better. I think I have tried everything there is to try (within reason) to help the symptoms. Whether I’m home or not, this dreaded anxious feeling does not go away. It’s just easier to manage when I’m in the comfort of my own home opposed to being in the office. I’ve been at this new job not even 2 months, and I’ve already had to use 2 PTO days because of my anxiety. I’m supposed to be getting a lap top so that I can work remotely when needed, which should help as long as my boss continues to be flexible with me. I’m hard working and I have good work ethic, but I need a job that is flexible due to my diability. So now I’m home, disconnected from work and trying to get myself to relax. Feeling guilty about not being at work for the reasons above. Reasons that I simply cannot control no matter how hard I try.
I suppose that I can end this post on a positive note. This morning when I rolled over and told my husband that I didn’t think I could do today his response was “Then don’t, take care of you”. He didn’t make me feel useless or worthless like I was making myself feel. He didn’t judge me. Living with mental illness is really tough, but it is easier when you have a good support system. I don’t know what I would do without my husband and a good friend who also struggles with anxiety that I can talk to without feeling judged. For them, I am grateful. ☀️
Here’s to tomorrow…