Troubled.

Having a panic attack is the scariest thing in life to me. I had a really bad one last night and now the anxiety over the possibility of having another is taking over.

I feel weak. Defeated. Not worthy. Scared. There is too much going on in my life right now and because the anxiety is so bad I don’t have the energy to even write about it here. Writing about it typically calms me down. 

It’s during times like this I don’t know if I can maintain my calm facade. Don’t know if I can be too far from home, don’t know if I can drive to work or stay on the office because I can’t control the panic and angst torturing me from inside. 

Having an anxiety disorder is like riding on a roller coaster that doesn’t gradually go up or down the hill. It goes straight up and straight down and as fast as it wants and you’re not able to get off. You have to hold on for the ride and pray that it slows down so that you can catch your breath at the very least.

Right now I feel like I’m spiraling out of control. Can’t control my anxiety. Can’t control my job situation. Can’t control my weight. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: my husband is a saint. How he can stand to be with someone crying hysterically in the corner, convulsing, sweating, hyperventilating. I don’t even know how I would handle a situation like that. I don’t know how he does. I don’t know why he does. My disorder hasn’t always been this extreme. Sometimes I wonder if he could go back and do it all over again knowing then what he knows now if he would stay. 

Lately I haven’t wanted to ride the ride. I want to give up. I don’t have the strength. I can’t do this anymore. 😞

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