It’s a disorder not a decision. 

Right now I feel like screaming at the top of my lungs. My chest feels heavy. I’m dizzy. My stomach is upset. I feel like I have so much to say but I really don’t. I don’t know why this is happening and I can’t escape myself. I’m panicking. 

Just another day in the life of me. Fight or flight? Both. Why? Who knows. I haven’t been feeling well all weekend so I took a sick day from work today. I was also very anxious so I thought an extra long weekend would be the best thing for me. Wrong. Truth is I don’t know what’s good for me. When my body does this I don’t know what it wants, what it’s telling me. I spent all day thinking about the future. From politics to retirement to dinner plans  I’ve thought about it all. What happens when I’m home without human contact or distraction all day and my husband gets home? I drive him crazy. Literally. I don’t think he could get out of the house quicker tonight for bowling if he wanted to and you know what – I don’t blame him. Here’s the thing – sometimes people with anxiety aren’t the best communicators. Sometimes we are so hyped up that we say things we don’t necessarily mean or it comes out of our mouths the wrong way. I pretty much lost it on my husband tonight because I’m paranoid about life. He even brought me home dinner. Now I’m spending the rest of the night thinking about how much of a dick I was. Just can’t win.

Good news is that this bought of horrible anxiety should get bearable again in a few days. Bad news is that I need to make it through the next few days. To top it off, husband is traveling Wednesday through Friday for work. So I’ll be alone. I’m not afraid to be alone – in fact being alone is my favorite. I’m a loner. But I go through the “what ifs” when I’m home alone for a few days and he’s hours away. I’m not even going to go there right now because I just can’t handle it. I miss him when he’s away. 

Writing myself through my anxiety attacks helps although I have a hard time focusing. I wish I wasn’t so up tight. Days like this I wish I was someone else. Someone who doesn’t wake up every morning full of dread. Someone who doesn’t sweat the small stuff. Someone who is spontaneous and takes risks. Someone who has more confidence. Someone who is extroverted. Someone who doesn’t have anxiety. Someone who can handle life.

But I’m not. I’m just me. Flaws and all. Be nice to everyone you come across. You never know what someone else is going through. 🌻

  

Advertisements

3 thoughts on “It’s a disorder not a decision. 

  1. This is so beautifully written, and hits so close to home. As a sufferer of GAD, I heavily relate to this. I’ve only recently opened up about suffering from GAD in my first blog post, and I’m so happy to see others posting about it too. I opened up because I think it’s so important to break the stigmas linked to this. I look forward to reading more of your posts.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s