Wow…it’s been a while since I’ve posted.
I’m off of work today due to the holiday but my husband has to work. I was already awake this morning when his alarm was going off. As it sounds loudly I look over at him and watch him as he sleeps soundly through it. It continues to go off and I think to myself how nice it must be to not have 7 million thoughts going through your head at any given minute. To be so calm and relaxed that the sound of a fog horn blasting 2 feet from your head doesn’t wake you. I nudge him and he comes to, shuts off the alarm and smiles at me. I smile back, envious of him at that moment and thankful that at least one of us does not have to suffer with anxiety.
He leaves for work and I watch a little tv and plan out my day. I’m never off during the week so the thought of running errands with no crowds seems amazing. Yet, I have this anxious pit in my stomach. But why? There will be less people, less traffic. I have no where to be at any time today. I should be able to leisurely go from store to store with no worries. But I am worried. About what? I have no idea. I have all the normal physical symptoms of anxiety. I’ll likely be running from store to store while trying to keep my anxiety in check. As much as I’m looking forward to getting out and about all I can think about is getting it over with.
It’s hard to live with a brain that never sleeps. My body reminds me everyday that I live with this disorder when I feel the aches in my neck and shoulders from the muscles that are never relaxed. We went to a fall festival over the weekend and my husband was wearing a t shirt he got from a brewery in Kauai, Hawaii. The shirt ended up getting the attention of another couple walking by that happens to live there. We talk about retiring there one day. Talking with them this weekend made me start thinking we should do it sooner. Then my anxious mind brings me back to reality. Need retirement savings to live there. It’s expensive. Don’t want to miss my future nieces and nephews grow up. Am I ready to give up the seasons? And so on so forth.
Well I need to get out of the house before I change my mind and end up being a hermit all day. Then tonight I’ll be pissed off at myself because I let the anxiety get the best of me….again. One day at a time. Wish me luck.