Like a dark cloud that follows you around, you’re always with me. Holding me back, dragging me down. Telling me I can’t and I never will. Suffocating me and stealing my energy. Drawing me further away from the life I want to live and who I want to be.
Sometimes it rains. Panic ensues in public. While driving. When meeting friends for lunch. While doing the small everyday tasks we all do. I make it through but it’s not easy. Most people can’t tell I feel like I’m dying inside and I’m about to jump out of my skin. It’s work to keep it that way.
Then there is the thunderstorm. I can’t leave the house today. What if, what if, what if? I might actually be dying. I need to leave this party. I can’t go on like this. Frustrated.
Then the sun peaks through the clouds. I start to feel like I’m somewhat back in control. I’m strong enough to push through this. My anxiety does not define me. I can do this. It won’t be easy but it will be worth it.
Then the cycle starts over. Each day brings new challenges. You start to notice a pattern and learn your limits after some trial and error. Every once in a while you surprise yourself when you make it through a difficult situation. Other times you’re disappointed that something triggered a panic attack that never did before. What matters is that you get through it. You’re not alone. It’s ok to be pissed off at your disorder but give yourself a break. You’re doing the best you can with the cards you were dealt. I have to remind myself of this everyday. Today was a bad day, but tomorrow will be better.