Perserverence is a day to day decision not to give up.

Day 2 with no meds is harder than day 1. I have a general headache and every few hours a sharp pain shoots through my head. I’m emotional, I feel defeated. Insomnia is getting worse. Having a hard time focusing. Overall, feeling weak. I went into the office yesterday and it was nice to do some socializing although I felt like I was going to keel over every few hours. Worked from home today because I woke up exhausted feeling like I was having an out of body experience and thought I probably shouldn’t be driving. The dizziness has been horrible. To think the withdrawal is this bad on the lowest dose of Wellbutrin…I feel bad for those on a higher dose trying to come off…

Anxiety puts strains on your relationships. My husband and I had plans to go downtown for a free concert tonight and meet some friends after work. I obviously will not be going. We made these plans before I went off my meds. I told my husband to go (it’s not his fault I’m a headcase) and he needs to have social interaction. He asked me if I was ok with that and I told him I don’t want to control him – because I don’t. At the same time I’ve been home alone all day and I could use some company. My sister and I got into an argument yesterday. My sister is my best friend, I don’t want to fight with her. But when she fights she fights hard and sometimes she triggers this deep anger in me and I stoop to her level and go crazy. I don’t know where I found the energy to fight with her but I said some hurtful things back. It’s funny how the truth comes out in moments of anger. Why do people apologize for what they said after a fight? You should never apologize for how you feel. The truth hurts but I’d rather know the truth than be lied to. Sometimes people think they know how you feel and try to tell you how you feel when it’s not the case. Defending myself and my husband gets exhausting. I shouldn’t have to defend myself for what I do when I’m anxious or for the decisions I make. It is what it is, accept me for who I am now. Sorry I’m not perfect, never claimed to be…

I feel myself falling into depression and I’m really looking forward to seeing a therapist on Wednesday. I feel like I’m losing control over my mind and body, my life. I feel like a burden. I feel like life should be easier than it is for me. I feel like it would be easier if I could just tell everyone I come in contact with that I have anxiety disorder and not have them look at me like a psycho. The stigma that comes along with mental illness needs to end. Until then…

  

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2 thoughts on “Perserverence is a day to day decision not to give up.

    • I imagine it’s hard to understand for someone who doesn’t have it but cut us some slack! 🙂 thanks for your comment, it helps to know you’re not alone. I look forward to keeping up with your blog (and your beautiful pictures of Hawaii…my favorite place on earth!).

      Liked by 1 person

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