Every few weeks my anxiety goes from bareable to absolutely unbearable and debilitating. For about a week now I’ve felt like my body is trying to kill me. Yesterday I forced myself to grocery shop even though I was having a panic attack because I refuse to let this get the best of me. I had the cart in a death grip because I was afraid I was going to pass out. I hate being trapped in a place where I may have a panic attack in front of people and there is no escape. I feel this way at work everyday. It’s awful. When I loaded the last of my groceries in the car and got in my chest finally stopped constricting and I started to gain control of myself.
Today we were visiting family about an hour away from home. Being trapped in the car far away from home is enough to make me anxious but what I experienced today was on a whole other level. I like to drive because it distracts me from myself (usually). When we were 20 minutes from home I broke out in a sweat, chest constricting, throat closing, not breathing, dizzy, double vision, shaking. I had to cross 2 lanes of traffic and get off the highway so my husband could drive. I went on to have a horrible panic attack. It lasted a good hour. I wanted to die. Run away from myself. Just end it all. When you’re in the middle of a panic attack – a bad panic attack – sometimes crazy thoughts go through your head. Today it was so unbearable I thought to myself “if I just would actually have a heart attack maybe that would end it all”. I wouldn’t have to live in fear anymore. Wouldn’t have to continue to dissapoint the people I care about because I cancel plans last minute or have to leave an event early (if you can even get me there to begin with). When the dust finally settles I think about the fact that I’m only 27 years old. I have a long life ahead of me and there’s so much I want to do. So much I want to see an experience. But how am I going to do it with this debilitating mental illness? What is my quality of life going to be like when I’m 40? Is it going to continue to get worse? How is this going to affect the people I love?
Then the depression sets in. Because I’m a control freak and there isn’t much in my life that I can’t change if it makes me unhappy or doesn’t benefit me in any way. Except this. 😔