Your mind is your prison when you focus on your fear.

Of course I have an uncontrollable bought of anxiety when my husband happens to be traveling all week. One of my many fears is that I’ll have a horrible panic attack and die alone. I know this is far fetched and very unlikely, you don’t need to tell me how unreasonable I am. I know this. But I can’t convince myself that it won’t happen. The weird thing is I don’t want to be around anyone. When I have anxiety attacks I need to ride the waves and I often do that by myself. What helps is knowing he’s in the other room if I happen to collapse or have a heart attack. I’m not even afraid of death, I’m afraid of suffering. Scrambling to catch my breath until I just don’t breathe anymore. Choking and not getting air. 

I’ve had a migraine for 2 days now. With that comes anxiety. I’ve been told by physicians that my anxiety is likely the cause of my headaches. I’ve worked from home the past 2 days. My husband is out of town so I’ve been alone the last 48 hours. Now tomorrow I have to make it through a full day of work. Socialize. Be in a loud bright environment. Try to stay calm. The thought is giving me anxiety. Know what else gives me anxiety? Being trapped in a car for hours, hours of social interaction with no escape. Being far from home. My anxiety makes me feel guilty for a lot of choices I make. My nephew’s 1st birthday party is Saturday at an estranged part of the family’s home 3.5 hours from my house. That’s almost 7 hours of driving in 1 day, trying to stay calm and act normal around many people I haven’t seen in years. In a strange unfamiliar place with no escape. A recipe for disaster. I’m so anxious about it. I want to go so bad, I wish I was normal. How can I not be there for my nephew’s 1st birthday party? I try to think of ways out of it to keep myself calm until that day such as going to see him on Sunday instead, but he will only turn 1 once. I can’t let my anxiety keep me from missing important moments in the lives of people I care about. I’m going to go, I just wish so much that it didn’t torture my insides like it does. I can barely eat.

Stress. Alright, now that I got that out I feel a little less anxious. Now I’m depressed because I just read this post and it’s making me feel pathetic. 

Is it next week yet? 



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