I just got done watching a movie called Still Alice, about a woman who develops early onset Alzheimer’s at age 50. Bad idea. My Grand Father suffered from Dementia years before he passed away. My Mother, who is 54 has been forgetting things for a few years now. This movie sent my mind into a whirlwind of thoughts. Worries. What ifs. Bad anxiety got the best of me and I found myself crying in the bathroom going through the motions so my husband didn’t see me. I’m now back in the livingroom with him suffering from a crying induced headache. He asks me what’s wrong but I tell him I don’t want to talk about it. Because I really don’t. I’ve been having a conversation about it in my head for the past hour and I’m sick of thinking negative thoughts.
I’ve been experiencing heart palpitations lately when I have anxiety. This is a new symptom. New symptoms make me more anxious. I love how my cat Minx knows when I’m hurting. She’s always around me, protecting me almost like she knows how fragile I am. Sunday depression is kicking in as it always does before the start of a new work week. I keep telling myself that this will be an easy week because it’s the week before a holiday weekend. I took next Monday off to give myself an extra day since July 4th falls on a Saturday. I’m looking forward to my July 4th plans but I’m also anxious about them. What else is new right? Tomorrow I will wear my smile, and the next day and the next day no matter how I’m feeling inside. Because I have to.