What defines us is how well we rise after falling.

I’ve never been one to wear my heart on my sleeve. Generally, I keep my thoughts and feelings inside and put up walls. I don’t let people in. I don’t let people hurt me. That changed when I met my now husband of 3 years, 10 years ago. It really was love at first sight. We grew up together. He was the only real constant in my life and the only male I really trusted. A couple years ago the strength of our marriage was tested by an outsider. I shut down completely and ran from my feelings, from confrontation. It was something I thought I would never get over and by far the lowest point of our relationship. I pretty much hit rock bottom. Didn’t help the anxiety either. 

They say time heals all wounds. I don’t necessarily agree with that statement. We went to therapy and worked through our issues. Our relationship is better now than it’s ever been. But the past still haunts me every now and then. Something will happen or someone will say something and it will trigger me to think about what happened. I can be alone with my own thoughts and it will just pop in my head. Or, like last night, I can have a 4 hour dream (nightmare really) that stops and continues every time I wake up and fall back asleep. A great therapist once told me that I will never forget the way he made me feel. When these thoughts are triggered the same pain and hurt rushes back and it no longer feels like 2 years have past. I look at him differently again. I get anxious. That same therapist also told me that if I’m going to stay with him and we are going to make it work, I can’t bring up the past. She is right. So I don’t. I push those thoughts and feelings back down within and they contribute to my already bad anxiety.

My walls were down before. Now they’re half up. Looking back, I know that I can never allow myself to get hurt like that again. To let someone else control my fate, my emotions, my happiness, my life. Only I can do that. What occurred wasn’t as bad as it could’ve been, but it hurt the same none the less. Is it possible to love someone too much? Maybe. He’s my best friend. My soul mate. He knows everything there is to know about me and still loves me. Accepts me for who I am, flaws and all. He made a really nieve mistake. Why am I still having such a hard time accepting that? I know him better than anyone else, and I know deep down that he didn’t have bad intentions (I’m very intuitive). The first cut really is the deepest. He is my first love, my only love. We’ve been together since we were 17. Life happens, shit happens. Now if I can only get these thoughts out of my head and these heart palpitations to go away…

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