I have this fear that one day you are going to discover that I’m not as great as you once thought I was.

I’m thankful everyday for the people in my life who know I have anxiety and still want me to be a part of their life. It can’t be easy to deal with someone like me: can’t sit still, canceling plans last minute, mind wondering all the time and afraid to do certain things for no reason at all. Many of these people have known me since before my anxiety became debilitating at times. When I was “fun”, more laid back and actually followed through with all of my plans. I think it’s hard for people to wrap their heads around. How does someone suddenly develop bad anxiety for no apparent reason? Especially people who never suffer from anxiety, even the kind “normal” people get. One of my fears is that these people will no longer have the patience to put up with me. Having anxiety has affected some of the relationships I’ve had with people; some are more accepting than others. My husband, for example. He likes to joke that all women are “crazy”, you just have to find your type of crazy. He says that I’m his type. 😍. I get insecure a lot because we are so different in a lot of ways. He’s so accepting of who I am and thoughtful when it comes to thinking about how certain situations and things may affect me. But he’s not introverted like me. Before my anxiety got bad I used to force myself to tag along with his extroverted self. We were always going out and being social. An environment that an extrovert thrives in. It would exhaust me but I always tagged along. When my anxiety got bad I stopped going to gatherings. He would stay home with me and we drifted a little but from a lot of our friends. Honestly, this didn’t really bother me that much, but I could tell it bothered him. We go to half of the social events we get invited to now, 2 years later. His personality has changed a little bit, likely to accommodate me. I never wanted to change him. I feel guilty. But I couldn’t keep going on the way we were with debilitating anxiety. I fear that eventually he’s going to get sick of me and our life together. I’ve made a lot of sacrifices for him over the years, but if my anxiety doesn’t get better he will have made even more sacrifices than I. I don’t think I’d blame him if he left me. He doesn’t think my anxiety is that bad. I’ve got so used to hiding it and riding the waves he only really notices/I only really tell him when it’s unbearable. That gives me hope.

It’s hard not to feel that way when your step father is telling you “I don’t know how he puts up with you. I feel bad for him.” Thanks dude. He acts like I’m completely insane. I may have bad anxiety but I function like a normal person. I hold a stressful full time job, I leave the house everyday (once in a while I’ll work from home if it’s bad), I maintain relationships, I travel, I clean my house and go to stores. Could being with me really be THAT bad? I struggle everyday to do those tasks above and not let my anxiety get the best of me. I am a fighter. I do everything I can to not let this take over my life and affect those that I care about. He doesn’t even live here – I see him once a year at best. Back the eff off. 

All I can do is keep on keeping on and hope for the best. I’m thankful for everyone that accepts me for who I am…now. I love you guys. Thank you.

  

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