You don’t know why you’re exhausted? You’re fighting a war inside your head, every single day. If that’s not exhausting I don’t know what is.

Fighting a war even when you’re not conseous. Last night I had the most violent dream. Have you ever seen the movie Fear with Reese Whitherspoon and Mark Wahlberg? The part when Reese’s family is inside the house and Mark is hunting them like a psycho? That was my dream, only I was alone being hunted with no protection. Surprisingly I did pretty well protecting myself and I even used deadly force on a few men double my size. I’ve been up on and off all night and every time I fell back asleep the dream continued. I’ve put up walls my entire life to protect myself. I usually run from my problems instead of face them then let them eat me alive inside. The person in my dream fought back, eventually freeing herself from the men that were trying to kill her. She was anxious but she focused on the goal: staying alive and standing up for herself. Now call me “crazy”, but I feel like this could be some foreshadowing. I’m confronting my father tomorrow (for lack of better word). This is a conversation that is years over due. I’ve always ran away from him in an effort to protect myself and tomorrow, I’m not. He is going to hear my feelings whether he likes it or not. I’m going to walk out of there regardless of the outcome with the closure I need. I’m going to focus all of my anxiety on making sure I get out every single thing that I feel needs to be said. I’m going to use my anxiety to my advantage and protect myself from further pain and sadness. It’s time to be strong and fight back. Stand up for myself. No one controls me but ME. Now my stomach is in knots and I’m exhausted because I haven’t been able to fall back asleep. My mind won’t shut off. Although I’m nervous as all hell I think that crazy dream was trying to tell me something, to give me the confidence I need to take care of what I need to take care of tomorrow. Until then, I will continue to fight this never ending war in my head with hopes that one day I’ll wake up and it will be over. 

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s