Never have I dealt with something more difficult than my own soul.

It’s the weekend! Time to relax and do the things you want to do that you can’t do during the work week, right? Wrong. For someone with anxiety. I’ve felt horrible all weekend. On the verge of tears. Jumping out of my skin. Can’t breathe. Can’t sit still. Can’t shut my brain off. I don’t even know what  I’m thinking about so I can’t change my thoughts. My brain just keeps telling my body to panic and so it does. I hate hyperventilating. It’s like my body wants to stop breathing and I have to think about my breaths to make sure they keep coming. I was up all night last night and I can tell by the way I’m feeling today that I’m doomed tonight as well. Monday comes too soon. I’m anxious about having that conversation with my Dad next weekend. I’m anxious about trying to come off my med. I’m worried I won’t be able to be at work. I’m worried about work. I can’t stop thinking about our finances because we’re doing some renovations to our home. I worry about how much I worry. I hate Mondays, they have to be the hardest day of the week for me. My anxiety makes it hard for me to start anything. I stress out and make myself sick before something starts. Then about half way through it (Wednesday for example) I think “I made it I’m halfway through just a few more days until the weekend. It was so hard to make it these past few days and I have a few more to go…I’m never going to make it” and so on. Then when Friday finally comes I think “thank god this is almost over”. But it’s not. My anxiety doesn’t stop on the weekends and Sunday night I’m back at it 10x worse because a new week is about to start. It’s horrible. I want a new brain. One that understands “take things one day at a time”. For just once, I want to wake up and not think to myself “how the hell am I going to leave the house today?”. I want to do normal things and not struggle through them the entire time. I want to tell people I had a good time and mean it – all aspects were good. I had no anxiety, I wasn’t worried, I all around had a good time. I try to make light of my disability but it’s hard because it’s just that – disabling. Some people find the good in being an anxious person. I hate this feeling so much I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. I hope I get some sleep tonight…😔

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