Broken crayons still color.

It’s a beautiful morning. I’m sitting out on my back deck admiring all the yard work I’ve accomplished this weekend. My body hurts but I’m glad it’s done. I’m also thinking about the busy week I’ve had this past week and the several anxiety attacks I’ve managed to live through. Some severe, some not. I don’t usually have so much going on. I like it that way, I need time to recharge. I’ve had nauseous anxiety all week. When I feel nauseous my anxiety is usually at its worst. I had a dentist appointment on Tuesday and the Hygenist would not stop talking to me. I was trying to keep myself calm and I was so distracted I wasn’t paying attention to what she was saying. She was taking too long and I started to panic. I broke out in a sweat and felt like I was choking. I kept clearing my throat, trying not to swallow the toothpaste in my mouth which is hard to do when you have to keep your mouth open for 30 mins at a time while they clean your teeth. I almost had to excuse myself and run to the bathroom. Anxiety gives me anxiety. Same thing happened at my hair appointment. I was so excited to cut a foot of hair off. After my color was on and I started to process I began to feel overstimulated. I was starving before I went there so I grabbed some Chipotle and ate it on the way. Bad idea. Now I had bad anxiety and heartburn. I started to overheat and had to get out of the chair while my color was processing to walk around. Everyone was looking at me like a freak. I was so frustrated I just wanted to cry. Before I do anything out of the norm when having an attack (like get up and walk around or excuse myself during inappropriate times) I wait until I just can’t possibly handle it anymore. I left the salon feeling so relieved that I was finally “free”. Having anxiety is really hard. There is nothing more liberating than walking out of a situation I can’t control and knowing I have nothing going on where I can’t walk out if I need to. I don’t have to be restrained to a chair for 3 hours to get my hair done or a plane for 12 hours because let’s face it, there’s no escaping a plane. I feel the same at work. I’ll start having bad anxiety and I’ll tell myself “you’re at work you have to stay there’s no escaping” which makes it worse. As soon as I say “if this becomes unbearable I can always just take PTO the rest of the day” I begin to calm down a little bit. When I walk out at the end of the day I take a deep breath and think now I just need to make it through the commute home (an hour in traffic trapped in a car is hell for someone with anxiety). The power of the mind is scary. Sometimes changing my thought patterns help, sometimes it doesn’t. When I was having a panic attack at the salon I was group texting with my Mom and Sister. My sister said “what are you having anxiety about?”. I ask myself that every single day. I have no idea what brings this on. Most of the time I’ll be fine then all of a sudden it hits me. Nothing is happening that should make me feel threatened or in fear. That’s how I know I have a mental disorder and not the normal anxiety everyone else gets. Ugh, to be “normal”…

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