Remember, when you forgive, you heal. And when you let go, you grow. 

This is something I’m working on. It’s hard to forgive when someone has hurt you. It’s also hard to let go when you haven’t confronted said person about it for closure. I haven’t confronted this person because I think I know how it will go and I don’t think I’ll get anywhere. In the end I’ll probably end up more hurt than I am now. I don’t like talking about my feelings, believe it or not. I’ve gotten this far in life by shoving my feelings and certain memories in the back of my mind and shutting the door. Here’s the problem with that. 1. You never confront your feelings. Therefore all the pain and sadness you’ve been holding onto for all those years manifests. It pours out of your self in different ways. Maybe you put on a few pounds. Maybe you become an angry person. Maybe you develop generalized anxiety disorder and depression. Until you recognize that the pain and sadness exists, it will never go away. 2. You never get closure. I have so many unanswered questions. Do I want to hear the answers to these questions? Probably not. But if I don’t ask I’ll never know. And if I never know I’ll never get closure. 3. You hold grudges. I have years of animosity I’ve been holding onto. It doesn’t necessarily consume me but I do think about it. 4. No one really knows how the other feels, or what the other actually thinks. So we make assumptions or listen to what other people tell us. But is that the truth? If you don’t confront, you never know. I hate confrontation. I think that’s why I have yet to confront this person. Because it will be just that: a confrontation. Accusations. The blame game. Shit that I just don’t have the time or energy for. I’m up for a civil adult conversation. And that’s it. To have that you have to respect eachother. Here’s the thing. This relationship has been a drag on my life since I can remember. This person has put me in difficult situations when it was unnecessary. This person doesn’t treat me the way they should. This person doesn’t care about me the way they should. I know I need to face it but I’m afraid. Fear is holding me back. I don’t want to hurt anyone, and the truth in this situation hurts. I shouldn’t care about this persons feelings but I do. Why? Because I’ve never felt accepted by this person and I want to be accepted. I want this person to genuinely care about me. I want this person to swallow their pride and admit fault, just like I will when necessary. I want this person to be real and honest with me. Enough of the ego, stop with the facade. There’s nothing you can say that will make me feel differently. I want this person to realize that I am a grown adult female who thinks for herself. I am not influenced by others. I want this person to care enough about what I have to say to hear me out without interruption. Bottom line, I just want this person to care. This person is my father. 

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