Aloha

I made it. I survived a delayed flight, missing a connecting flight, an airline that decided they were going to put us on another flight plan without our authorization that would add 4 additional hours of flight time, angrily confronting said airline, spending a night in a creepy LA hotel put up by said airline, and finally getting to our destination. 12 hours of flight time; some of it crammed in a window seat, some of it away from my husband, most of it with bad turbulence and hot stale plane air. I used to love flying; now I hate it primarily because of my anxiety. Sitting in a small uncomfortable chair shoulder to shoulder with others trapped in a compact area is not my cup of tea, but in this case what was on the other side was worth it. Kauai is beautiful. Now I know why they call it the garden island. It’s the most remote Hawaiian island and it gets the most rainfall. The vegetation is lush and dense. Everything is so….green (I live in the Arctic of Buffalo, NY where I haven’t seen anything green in months). Yesterday we had a big breakfast at the resort then went out exploring and found a beautiful waterfall called Wailua Falls. We came across a bunch of local shops in an old town (including Kauai Chocolate – amaze and hand made in front of you in store). My husband is a coffee lover and we stumbled upon this small coffee/smoothie/bakery shop. Everything looked so good. Husband gets a coffee and I get a coconut mocha and of course this huge fluffy pastry that was delicious. Well despite the voice in my head telling me consuming the coffee was a bad idea I did it. It was really good. The effects were really bad. There’s a reason they advise people with anxiety that they shouldn’t have caffeine (at least large amounts). This was strong coffee locally grown in the rich volcanic soil. Husband loved it. I however was sent into a fury of panic about 4 hours after I drank it and had awful anxiety attacks for the rest of the day. We were out and about when it hit and I began sweating (more than I already was…it’s hot and humid as hell here) and my heart began beating out of my chest. My senses were turned up and everything became visually overwhelming. My mouth went dry and my throat tightened. I held out as long as I could before I told my husband I needed to go back to the resort. He said ok and we turned around and started heading back. He seemed worried about me but continued to tell me how proud he is of me for doing so well on the flight (if he only knew…) and just in general. I could tell he was disappointed by the look on his face although he never said it. My heart broke a little at that point and the feeling of unworthiness began to wash over me. We got back to the room and I told him I just needed a new minutes. I went into the bathroom and cried in frustration quietly to myself, he went out on our lanai and read his book. He doesn’t deserve someone who can’t keep it together; let alone someone who can’t keep it together on a vacation in paradise. At this point it was about 4pm. I came out and began reading a free surf magazine I picked up in a shop to try and distract myself. An hour passed and just when I thought I was getting better the thought of leaving our room sent me into another anxious bout. We found a small local brewery/restaurant we wanted to try out that night. Husband came in and asked if I was ready for dinner. I regretfully looked up from my magazine and told him I couldn’t and suggested we order room service. Again, he said alright innocently but I saw the disappointment in his face. We rented a movie (resort has free rentals) and stayed in for the rest of the night. I woke up around 3am Hawaii time (5 hours behind home). I left the lanai door open last night and I’m listening to the rain fall and the ocean waves. The air has a rain/floral scent to it. All I can think about is last night. I know the affects coffee has on me yet I felt like I had to prove something to myself by drinking it. I’m tired of my anxiety dictating my life. With every sip I felt more and more normal until bam: my anxiety took over and reminded me that I’m not normal. There are things I can’t do if I don’t want to be tortured. I know my limitations but I’m tired of having limitations. Today is a new day of fun and exploring. Hopefully the rain lets up but if not, whatever. I’m im paradise and nothing can take that away from me; not even my anxiety. 

P.S. – I love my husband. A lot. He is my rock. I will upload pictures when I can. The service here is terrible.

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