Life Doesn’t Get Easier. You Just Get Stronger.

I’m struggling. Phew. Rapid heartbeat, hard time swallowing, nauseous, sweating, dizzy, headache. If you asked me what is bringing on this bout of anxiety I would tell you that I have no idea. This happens to me regularly. I have to be worrying about something subconsciously. I don’t think there is anything more frustrating than feeling this way and having no idea why. It is when this happens that I begin to get mad at myself. “Why can’t I just be normal?” “Why do I go through this?” “What did I do to deserve this?” Questions I ask myself at the peak of my attack. All the muscles in my neck and shoulders tense and begin to ache. I can’t breathe. I begin pacing my house to release some of the overwhelming energy that is surging through my body. Tears start prickling my eyes. I would do anything at this point to make it stop. I try and distract myself. I keep thinking about what I would do if this happened during the meeting I have tomorrow at work, or on the 12 hour flight I’m about to endure in a week. This makes me more anxious. Several minutes pass and I begin to feel myself calm down. At this point the tears fall from my eyes as I sigh in relief. “What is wrong with me?” Then the depression kicks in and I crawl onto the couch with a blanket and cry quietly to myself. Feeling guilty that I’m thinking the way I am when I have so much to be grateful for. All my energy has been depleted and I fall asleep…for an hour.

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